Twelve Step Sports Addict

This past week has been so hectic trying to get my new little boy to learn the house rules. I found out that he likes to watch Sportscenter, and I think for some reason he enjoyed watching Notre Dame get slaughtered last night at the hands of USC, because everytime they went 3 and out, he ran around the room. I wonder if Charlie Weis will keep his job after this season, but I heard that the university is looking forward to a good recruiting class and might let him stay one more year or so.

The Bears game should be very good tonight, although I hate having to wait until 7pm to watch it. I am a huge fan of Adrian Petersen and watching him during his Oklamhoma days and I predicted then that he would be a show stopper in the NFL. As much as I enjoy watching him play, I hope he sucks today and the Bears can get a win and stay alone on top of the NFC central.

Reggie is wearing me out, and as much as I love puppies, I don’t love how they can’t hold their poops or pee. Twice Reggie decided he wanted to finger paint his cage, and since he didn’t have paint, he used poop. I was watching Lock-up Raw on MSNBC, so maybe he got the idea from the inmates on TV, but he made a mess. Yesterday, he must have ate something that I didn’t see because he had gas so bad, I couldn’t hold him. He likes to doze off laying on my chest so he can feel my heart beat, but the constant flow of pug farts was choking me, so I had to put him down. He stunk up the basement so bad that we all could smell it upstairts. Wow, for a little guy, he puts up quite a stink. He is learning how to sit today and lay down. He takes to training very well as he LOVES liver treats. Reggie is a great tool for recovery, as I could never think about having a drink and no matter how messed up I might feel, looking into those little pug eyes melts any urge to splurge away. Go Bears. ML

There has been so much going on these past couple days, that I don’t have enough room to write about it all. Not that anyone would really care anyway. Go Bears!! Nice game against the hapless Rams. Granted, the Bears were supposed to kick the crap out of those losers, but at least they did, lest we forget the last time the Bears played the Lions and almost lost to a team that hasn’t won a game this year. This Sunday should be an amazing game against the Vikings. This is a must win for the Bears, so I can only hope that Tommy Harris decides to play more than 1 play for every 10, and Brian Urlacher grows a set and comes to play.

The SCORE event was amazing. I have never been at a live radio broadcast, and it was so cool. I am an avid SCORE listener (670am) and watching Hampton and Holmes do their thing was awesome. The two things that really amazed me was the one, how nice Laurence Holmes was. He was totally gracious and polite and very knowledgeable. Most celebrities are conceded, but he thanked not only me, but my mom for coming out, and took the time to take a picture with me. Also, I was amazed by how enormous Dan Hampton was. He looked like a giant, and even though he is older now, he was jacked up. He must still lift cars or something for a workout because he looked like he could kill eveyone in the room without breaking a sweat.

The last thing that was good for me to see, was a lady that was at the event who was smashed beyond belief. Wow, she was giving everyone kisses, jumping on stage, and just being annoying. I thought to myself that I was that bad at one time and must have made a total fool of myself. Seeing that I used to be that distgusting, is enough to keep me sober. More to come….ML

I guess it’s not the times that are changing for me as much as my luck. Not only have got a few very awesome jobs lined up, but I won something on the radio and I NEVER win anything on the radio. I texted 670 the Score today and won tickets to the VIP live showing of the Hampton and Holmes show. It is being held in some hotel downtown Chicago and I get to listen and watch a live talk show with Dan Hampton (Hall of Fall defensive tackle from the 85 Bears Super Bowl team) and Lawarence Holmes from the Score. At the end, I get to go to a private room and ask the two of them questions about the Bears/Packers game. What an amazing award for a sports junkie like myself.

That is really all I have today as the Bears game is pretty self explanatory since they looked pretty awful the whole game. It’s not Grossman like everyone is thinking, but the defense looked pathetic letting a 35 year old quarterback look like Joe Montana in his prime. I spent today, after taking care of my business, with my brother playing the new game Gears of War 2. Great game for anyone that has an XBOX 360. I don’t get into video games that much, but this one is pretty addictive. I had a great day and will report more about the Bulls and Blackhawks in blogs to come.

Another day in paradise here is Illinois as I spent the day job hunting, working out and watching sports. I found that exercising is a great way to keep my mind off stress and since I think I have a pretty self destructive personality, working out so hard that I hurt, satisfies that need and helps keep me sober. It is actually hard for me to sit in a chair and type today as everything from my neck to my abs to my legs are burning from the two sets of workouts I did today. I think back to about 8 months ago when I couldn’t even walk up a flight of stairs without chest pain, sore legs, and my sweat smelling like baked bread from the yeast leaking out of my pours from the brain deadening amount of booze I had consumed from the night before. I was hill running today, and since I also have an addictive personality, I totally over extend my workouts, but at least that is much healthier than drowning a few billion bane cells….oh yeah, B R A I N. Got it, guess some are a little slower coming back. So far it looks like the Padres are going to win the world series. An NL team winning….poor Cubs, must be hard to fathom, losers. Don’t worry, there is alway next year….But I am happy because as I have stated before, I can’t stand Tampa Bay and their expansion team. Hopefully Joe Maddon will go back to teaching 9th grade chemistry and Evan Longoria will go back in drag and star in Desperate Housewives. Him and Tony Parker make a great looking couple, don’t they. : ). I found myself watching the Bulls season opener and they looked sort of good. Derrick Rose looks like he will be a showstopper once he gets settled in, but I think the Bulls aren’t going to go anywhere other than a first round playoff loss.

That doesn’t stop my disgust with watching basketball these days. I played basketball all through junior high and high school and I swear that was much more exciting than watching the NBA. It is so slow and boring, foul filled and selfish. I used to be a huge Larry Bird fan, and I would love to see basketball like I used to see in highlights of team play and hustle. I mean, some dude runs five feet for a ball, and the announcers give him accolades like he’s Pete Rose sliding headfirst into third. I guess everything is watered down these days, from pansies like Brian Urlacher getting plowed by offensive tackles, to 90% of NBA players not being able to hit a 15 foot jumper, to Alfonso Soriano, well, just being a bitch. That is why I still like boxing and MMA, at least those guys look like they’ve been in a sporting event when it is over. I can’t find myself getting into bball too much, but I will watch the Bulls just hoping Vinnie Del Negro has a good first year. Bears have Detroit this week who they should beat like a red headed step child and then the Titans, which will be a huge test for them. I am looking forward to it. I just hope someone told Brian Urlacher where his last hoodrat girlfriend hit is scrotum, and he comes to play the next two weeks.

In between sending out another 100 or so applications for employment, I was able to watch SportsCenter for the 10 millionth time and got to see replay after replay of Mike Singletary rip his tight end for being selfish during a game. Again, as before, I applaud Samurai Mike for kicking some primadonna ass, but then the discussion got into how tough Mike is as a former Bear linebacker. The Chicago Bears have always been known for great running backs, retarded talentless quarterbacks, and good defense. As any student of football will tell you, a good defense starts with great linebackers. Mike Singletary was no doubt an amazing linebacker and played on one of the best defenses of all time in 1985. The whole team was amazing from Samurai, Dent, Marshall, Wilson, Fencik, and the newly studdering radio host Dan Hampton. I was too young to enjoy those Bear days, but NFL films does a great job of replaying the Chicago heydays. Then it goes back to 1965 when the Bear of all Bears Dick Butkus played ball. For those who say the game was slower then and people weren’t as big, I give you a big no Sh**. Of course people were slower back then, and smaller, and most players had to work other jobs just to make enough to support their families. If Butkus and Sayers had today’s technology, salaries and training, they would no doubt be the best ever, no question in my mind. That brings me to my most overrated Bear player. Brian Urlacher. Yes people, I said Urlacher. I have been watching him play for years now and I have never been impressed. Yes, I know I am at a computer writing and he plays in the NFL, but I am allowed to have my opinion. Baldy doesn’t hold a candle to Samurai Mike or Butkus and he never will. First of all, I actually met him when he made an appearance at my work, and he was an ass. Yes, I am sure many athletes are, but I have also met very nice ones, Juan Uribe and Brian Anderson from the White Sox being the absolute top of that list. Urlacher not only showed his true colors by being a total jerk to the media last year when sportswriters stopped kissing his ass for once, but he is also a highlight film of how to be trucked by offensive linemen. Sure, Mr. Receding Hairline (I hide it by shaving my head) Urlacher is fast, he played safety in college, but last I checked, a middle linebacker has to fill holes and take on those blocks. He makes offense linemen these days look like Anthony Munoz as he gets pancaked time and time again and if he is lucky, makes the tackle 15 yards down field. He is also the last to jump on a pile. Nice Old Spice commercial Brian, act all tough. Let’s see the last game when that guard made you hit bitch on national TV. Now that Mr. Urlacher has lost a step, he is pretty useless as it seems this year. Sure, he might be injured, but who in the NFL isn’t injured?? For all you women out these who worship the ground he walks on?? Cool, just be prepared to have kids, since baldy doesn’t seem to like to use contraceptives and then denies his seed is his kid. Class act there huh? Also been seen hanging around with Paris Hilton, there is a girl you want to bring home to momma. When you get babymaker Urlacher and Internet movie star Hilton together, if they had a kid, somehow I think that offspring would be related to everyone in the United States if you played the 5 steps of separation game. But Urlacher, watch Briggs play. He got his money, didn’t ask for a new contract after signing one, and is playing his ass off this season. Man, I wish I could rewrite contracts like baldy got to do. I wonder what leverage Urlacher has on the Bears that he got to opt out of his contract after one of his worst years, and then is playing like he has a bad case of siphlis. Oh wait, he actually might. Urlacher, quit being a crybaby, toughen up and instead of sleeping around with any crusty, beat up heiress you can find, watch some films of the 65 Bears. You might learn something.

As you have read in my earlier post, I have some time on my hands between the hundreds of applications I am filling out, and watching Sports Center. While watching the American flagship sports show, I realized that the Phillies are playing the Rays in the fall classic. Although I am sad that my White Sox couldn’t get it done, I am even more glad not to see those transgender ass clowns called the Chicago Cubs in the world series either. Just think Cub fans, the Rays have been in the league for a whole 10 years. Just a decade, and the Cubs have not won a series in 100 years.  Wow. What a tradition of losers. I must admit, I hate the Rays, and not only because they beat my beloved White Sox, but for many reasons. First off is that stupid looking Joe Maddon, their manager, that looks likes like a cross between Clark Kent and the Hanson brothers (from Slapshot, not the boy band). Joe looks like he should be wearing a pocket protector and getting a wedgy from Ozzie Guillen as Lou Pinella dumps his head into a toliet. Well, maybe Lou has his head in the toliet looking to see where his season went.  Keep looking Lou, you flushed that down two months earlier. Although Joe Maddon looks like one of those nerds that will finally lose it one day and shoot up the ballpark with an uzi after a bad loss. Then there is the phenom Evan Longoria. Yes, this man has talent, but I guess you have to when you have the same name as Desperate Housewife star. Not to mention that no fan in Tampa Bay deserves to have a world series. I will give the retard Cub fans this, at least they pile off the short bus to watch the games and drink their piss flavored beer and cold hotdogs. Tampa Bay was only averaging 16,000 people in attendance at home games. That’s pathetic, now they get to sell out. For one, I am cheering for the Phillies, one because I hate Tampa Bay, and I want to see a NL team win, just again to prove how pathetic the Cubs are.  Cub fans, yes, your team had the biggest collapse ever, (Tampa Bay avoided that by manning up and beat the Red Sox), and yes, you will never see a world series, this was the year, and it was blown. Somewhere at the Cubbie Bear, there is some guy making up that cyanide laced Koolaid, don’t drink it folks, I will enjoy watching you cry next year.

I don’t have a whole lot to write about today, since my beloved White Sox were eliminated and my hated Cubs got swept. One piece of news that I didn’t mention in my earlier blogs, was that OJ Simpson got convicted on all charges stemming from his kidnapping and armed robbery trial. He is facing 5 years to life. Man oh man, he is gonna really enjoy prison. I am sure there are a few good inmates in there that weren’t happy with the original acquittal of his murder trial. I hope you have some of that speed and elusivness left in those old legs OJ, because you are going to need it. Good riddance!! The Bears play the Falcons this weekend and for the first time in a while, I have the day off and get to watch the game. As much as I would love to see the Falcons do well without dog murderer Michael Vick, I hope the Bears have another easy win. Since the baseball season ended pretty badly in Chicago, maybe we will get lucky and the Bears can make a good run this year. Alas, I think they are no better than division winners, but hopefully they can make it exciting. Michael Vick is another athlete I hope takes a bath in molten sulfer when he checks out. I don’t even want to repeat what that scumbag did to many, many dogs in his life. How someone can be so mean to animals, dogs especially is beyond me. I am an animal lover, especially dogs, so I cannot fathom some jerk hurting a dog. All dogs want to do is have a job to do and to be loved. Even mean dogs are usually only mean because some wuss of a person beat them or did something terrible. People who feel the need to beat dogs, kids, their wives, or any person or thing weaker than them, just to unleash some anger should just eat a bullet. Why hurt someone or something else just because your messed up? Michael Vick’s supporters said that dog fighting is part of his culture. BS!! What if some redneck’s culture was to hunt down and kill minorities, would that be right, because that is what his culture dictates?? I guess that is an extreme example, but I still think Vick is a punk, and I hope never to see him in the NFL or any TV for that matter. Go Bears!!

Well, my Cub bashing continues in full form as the North siders got swept out of the playoffs by the Dodgers and I could not have been happier. Part of me wanted to start setting off fireworks outside my house after Soriano struck out to end “the year.” Many people are saying, including experts, that this is the worst Cub collaspe of all time. Just think, 100 years without a world series, best record in baseball, one of the best home records in baseball, and a HUGE payroll, including two of the series goats, Fukodome and Soriano. I love it. Then, the icing on the cake, just showed how stupid the Cubs players are. Soriano actually had the balls to come out and ask the fans to be patient!! That they have a good team and they will get better!! What an idiot, when I read that, I thought he must have been joking. I am sure it will take another week before most of those retard Cub fans even realize that their team was eliminated, between hangovers and being peeled off the bathroom floor at the Cubbie Bear, but it is so sweet. What makes this even more euphoric for is the crap that was talked all year about how much better the Cubs were than the Sox. Hey, my Sox won today at home. They got one better than the best team in baseball, and guess what, I got to see a world series win 3 years ago. Just think, some old man could be 90 and a Cubs fan, and me, at 28, has witnessed more joy in baseball than him. The Cubs have no one to blame but their scrotumless selves. They complained about the pressure….pressure??? Yeah, the millions you are making to hit a baseball and not commit 6 errors is pressure. I would love that kind of pressure to come home and never have to worry about paying a bill, or doing my own laundry, or whatever it is those cry babies do when they get home.  So, I have decided that if the White Sox get eliminated, which unfortunately will probably be the case at some point this October, I am rooting for the Dodgers. Go Joe Torre!! Although I think Manny Rameriez is a flaky turd, I would like to see Torre win a world series, so he can call up George Steinbrenner and give him a Bronx cheer….Go Sox, win tomorrow and make Tampa win at home again…..ML

Today’s thoughts will be short, as I will keep mostly to sports. I got my wish yesterday as the Cubs lost yet another game at home to the Dodgers and I could not be happier. One, because they lost convincingly at home, and two, Carlos Zambrano had to be the loser. I love watching him lose it and jump around like the baby he is. The only bit of pitty I feel is for his family when he gets home after a game like that, because I would be pretty sure that he would beat the Hell out of all of them for a bad game. I would have loved to have been at that game at Wrigley just to watch the fans boo, and cry. They say loyal Cub fans bleed blue?? What color are their tears?? Well, I guess I would have had to been sitting where the season ticket holders sit, as I am sure only a few fans at Wrigley actually knew that there team was losing. Most of the them were probably drunk as skunks just trying to get a one night stand before they left the stadium. My God I hate the Cubs. I would have loved to see those losers, wearing their Fukodome headbands, not knowing what that represented in the 40s (Kamikaze pilots, like the ones that bombed Pearl Harbor), pissing into a trough like cattle, drinking down their Old Style and cold hot dogs, bitching and complaining about another lost year. I guess it will probably just be 101 years of waiting. The best team in the NL, making excuses for 4 errors and them BLAMING their own fans, saying that the atmosphere was not the same. Really?? Even the players are idiots!! You are expected to win the world series and then blow two games at home, what did you expect?? A round applause??

Ahhhhh, my beloved White Sox. How I love thee!! Even though you also lost game two to go down 0-2 to the youngters of Tampa Bay. BUT, you lost at home, and really don’t have that great of a team. It was a shame to see another gutsy and strong outing by Buerle go to waste, but at least the Cubs lost, AND the Sox get to go back home. Anything can happen. It was a shame to see nobody hit today. It is amazing though when you think that the difference between and home run and a pop fly is a fraction of an inch on the bat. Even if you guess the right pitch, time it right, you can still miss it by a hair and get an out. That is why you are a stud if you bat .300. 30 hits out of a 100 at bats and you are successful, what a game!! I hope the Sox can pull this out, but who knows. At it will be exciting. Go Sox!! ML

 I wanted to start this blog with one of the cutest videos I have seen in a while. I am a HUGE animal lover, especially dogs, and this video is priceless. It’s amazing how smart Beagles, or at least this one is. I want to buy a dog so bad!! I miss my pug that I used to have, he was the best.

 Well, it’s playoff time and I just got done watching the White Sox lose the first game in Tampa Bay 6-4. I guess I am not that upset, the Sox had a crazy schedule with 3 must win games just to get to the playoffs and the Rays have the best record in all of baseball at home. Hopefully, the Sox can steal one game in Tampa and then bring it home. The game showed another crappy performance from Javier Vaszquez who seems to be in some incredible funk lately and can’t seem to keep the ball down and in the zone at the same time. When a rookie (Evan Longoria) gets consecutive home runs off you, it is time to take a break and rest that arm.

On a lighter note, I find myself watching the Cubs this year as well, just to see them lose. I laughed my butt of watching them drop game one at home. The funny part is, if the Sox get swept, I won’t be that upset because they weren’t suppossed to do much this year, AND they lost Carlos Quentin, the Cubs on the other hand (this is their year)!!! 100 years without a world series, a great team, all the Chicago love!!! HA!! I hate Cub fans. I would have paid good money to be a fly on the wall at Wrigley last night and if they lose today, wow. I found myself just watching ESPN highlights, just to look in the stands and see the reactions of the fans as that grand slam went out. Yes, I guess I have unresolved anger issues, but who cares, I hope the Cubs get swept and all those fans will spend another year crying in their beers, cursing Bartman and that dumb goat. Get over it you blue wearing snobs, your team just sucks.

On a serious note for those watching baseball and football during this time of year. Drink responsibly. Just because I have given up drinking, by no means am I preaching that the rest of the world does, but driving drunk is the dumbest thing you can do. Unfortunately, I have, got caught, and am paying for it. Luckily, I didn’t hurt anyone, or myself, but if I had, who knows where I would be now. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself. For the record, people do not drive better drunk, .08 is only 4 beers for a normal person, and there is NO WAY to beat the breathalizer. The air comes from your lungs and the alcohol passing through your lung tissue and being registered in your breath. Getting caught, just driving, forget hitting anything or one, will cost you. If by any chance you do get in any legal trouble, DUI or otherwise, I have a link to my attorney. VERY GOOD!!! But the best way to get out of trouble is to stay out of it completely. Be safe everyone, and Go SOX!!!

Today I spent a short day at work pretty much being pissed off at the world. Some parts of recovery for me are so perplexing, the biggest being the mood swings that I feel. I guess that is part of being human and not the booze drinking vampire I was a few months ago. Just little things were getting me mad today, and when the Bears blew another 10 point lead to lose to the Bucs, it was time for me to go home before I said something to someone that I would have regretted. I have been working a lot lately and it will be nice to take some time off. I will talk more about the hapless Bears tomorrow. Today I wanted to write about a conversation that I had with my sponsor today. Part of recovery is talking to your sponsor when you are having a bad day. Some people are under the myth that you only call your sponsor when you are craving a drink. That is wrong, you want to relax before it gets to that point. But what we talked about is how ironic being an addict is. No matter how good I do at my job, I can still feel my employees look me up and down each day to ensure I am in the right frame of mind and sometimes they tell me to relax when I get a little worked up, like some customer is going to make me run to the bar and down a few Irish Car Bombs. It’s funny how people think that addicts can just stop on their own with no help. Lots of times, addicts think that as well. People, you can’t. There is a very very small amount of people that can stop cold turkey from their drug of choice, but some are MUCH harder than others. Heroin for instance, is almost too dangerous to stop cold turkey and you will need a stay in the hospital to stop from dying. Think about it, the numbers are against you. 90% of all diets in the United States fail. So of 100 people trying to lose weight, only 10 of them will. Food, chemically is not addictive. It doesn’t affect your brain, in the way booze does. Yet people can’t lose weight. Those same people will look down on an alcoholic or an addict, like we are weak.  How many people smoke? Tons. That is proven to kill you over time. The only real difference in my eyes between a drinker, heroin addict, smoker or binge eater, is that you can’t hurt anyone else if you get in a car full, and you don’t need a dealer to get a sandwich.

I find it funny these days how embarrassed people are about their addictions. Especially those who got help. You are not the only one. I can name at least 100 people I know that are functioning alcoholics, and I knew a few heavy cocaine addicts a while back. The main point I was talking to my sponsor about was how the 12 steps work with about anything. I think I might need to start another program to get off cherry sherbet. Although I lost about 50 lbs since I quit the sauce and am back looking like an athlete again, that stuff just gets me. :). But way more healthy than a 5th of Skol Vodka. The point is to anyone reading this, never be ashamed of who you are. You will never get past the addiction if you can’t forgive yourself. By no means am I 100% there yet, but it is a start. Everyone, I mean everyone, is hooked on something, somethings they just don’t have meetings for yet. Anyone reading this who avoids AA meetings because they are embarrassed, don’t be, you will thank yourself later. In many ways, the people of AA are more understanding than anyone. No matter what happens, you are always welcome back.  Anyone need advice or encouragement, feel free to contact me through my contact tab and I promise I will reply. It is a fight, but you are not alone……ever.

Today was the second day of two consecutive days off and it was a pretty good day today. Hopefully it will end better with the White Sox getting a win and as of right now, the Cubs losing their 5th in a row. I’m sorry, but I am a Cub hater. Always was, always will be and although that might make me unpopular, I don’t care. I don’t care if they win the world series, I will have to be buried six feet under before I ever put on a Cubs hat. I hear that Big Z is going to get an MRI to get his arm checked out. Personally, I think they should CT his head, because I think that man is nuts. Only a nut would kick the hell out of his catcher, admonish his own fans for booing a poor outing of his, and well, all the other crazy stuff he does season after season. I don’t think there is anything wrong with him that can’t be fixed with a lobotomy and some Valium. But, as a Sox fan and Cub hater, I hope they find some terrible tear in his shoulder that will require career ending surgery. Below the belt you say? He could retire today and never have to work another day in his life. So all you people who think I’m mean, go ask Big Z for loan and see what he says. In other news, current UFC champion Randy Coutre is making his return to the octagon to face former WWE champion Brock Lesnar. What makes this so interesting is that Coutre will be turning 46 and Lesnar is a freak of nature at 280lbs of pure muscle. I hope Coutre wins convincingly, because I think all of those wannabe fighters from the WWE need a lesson in reality. Also, it’s nice to see an old man kick ass. I’m not even sure I’ll live to be 46, yet this man is competing in combat sports. Wow. Good luck Randy. If he wins, hopefully Dana White (the prez of UFC) can sign Fedor, and have a dream match-up. I am almost sure the “Last Emperor of Russia” will beat Coutre, but it will be a great fight, one I would consider coughing up the insane price for PPV.

 The last two days have been hectic from the personal side of things from meetings, continuing care, and now my evaluation, which I take tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it, but that is the bed I made for myself and I have to lie in it. I realized today that I stopped counting the days sober. When I first heard of people doing that, I thought they were nuts, but now I realize why. There is no prize at the end of the journey. Once I hit 365 days, I don’t get some treasure or some lottery ticket. When I go to meetings I meet people that have been sober for 20 years. That’s 7300 days. I don’t plan on ever counting that high unless I am counting money. I realized that although I need to make sobriety important, I can’t make it all that is me. I see people who do nothing but go to AA, rehab, counseling, etc. Although I know it is a never ending battle, the whole goal of quiting drinking was getting my life back to sanity and being a normal person again. Contrary to popular belief, an addict is not a monster, or a pariah. We just are chemically dependant. Take away the chemical, which is a struggle, but we are people, that bleed red just like anyone else. I am so sick of thinking of myself as a freak. By no means can I ever stop thinking about it and working at it, but it doesn’t have to be all that I am. I’m Mike, and I’m an alcoholic, but, I am a brother, a son, an employee, and friend, and hopefully someday a husband and a dad. I have talents, I know what I am, and what I need to do. Sometimes at meetings people just stop at alcoholic, and they never realize how much more than can be sober.

 Since I have found how to implant youtube videos into my blog, I got another request at a laugh. This video is supposedly of open tryouts for a kung fu movie, and these are some of the outtakes of the ones that didn’t make it. This also makes me laugh. These guys never lose…….ML

After a absolutely terrible day at work today, I was happy to see that the White Sox got a win against Boston. About friggin time!! Also very glad to see that Jim Thome tied Mickey Mantle on the all-time home run list. Good for him. Jim Thome seems like the nicest and most respected guy in all of baseball. It’s nice to see an athlete hit a major milestone without the suspicion of steroids or HGH or whatever else these knuckleheads are injecting into their bodies. Also, I heard today that Peyton Manning will play on Sunday against the Bears. Damn. I really hope Lovie was holding back this preseason and he is going to pull some David Blaine like trick and the real Bears team arrives in Indy and Lovie can say that, they just sucked to fool everyone. But I doubt it.

 With this being Labor Day weekend, I have been doing a lot of thinking about alcoholism. It’s kind of hard not to, seeing every cop and their mother out on patrol looking for DUIs, and the horrible flashback of myself being in the back of a patrol car. That aside, I started to really think why. Why did I drink, why do addicts use?? I am sure there are lots of reasons and let’s for a minute forget about the chemical dependency part. Yes, nicotine, alcohol, heroin, all that stuff gets in your blood and you crave it and then you detox. But that is far from it. If that was the case, people wouldn’t relapse. I thought about it hard and long, and I really do think that I drank just to be happy. I am happy when I drink. At least during the act. The next day is full of regrets, headaches, regrettable phone calls, and that feeling of worthlessness. But when I drink, that period between starting and when I passed out, I was everything I am not in real life. I am confident, funny, calm, stress free, talkative, and reflective.

I am naturally pretty anti-social. I don’t even like ordering pizza over the phone, but when I was buzzed, I would talk someone’s ear off. I think it is that way for lots of addicts. Most of us, spend a majority of our time miserable for one reason or another. I personally am filled with regret. What could have been…. even as friends read my blog”you should have been a writer”; Yeah, I know. When I drink, I forget the heartache of losing a fiancee, my puppy, I forget the stress of work….I am truly, for that little bit of time, feel happy. Ever sit in an rehab meeting with recovering addicts?? They are not a happy bunch. EVERY ONE of them have some deep seeded emotional problem. I drank sometimes just to fall asleep without having to remember my dreams. I have nightmares almost every night. Some are too violent to repeat. I would love to bring Sigmund Freud back to life and talk to him about that for hours, but my Freud was a bottle.

For an addict, the drug made us feel normal. It sure made me feel normal. I don’t have many friends (stemming from my not being very social), but if you think of it, at the time, booze was the perfect friend. It was cheap, always around, never judged me, never nagged me, never lied, never left, never fought, in a way, it always said the right things, because I always felt great, and figuratively speaking, it always came back. Unfortunately, while that friend was doing that, it was kicking the living snot out of me as well. Killed my liver, heart, made me gain weight, and I am sure killed a few billion brain cells. Now that I am sober, I am finding other small ways to be happy. I get so jealous of people that are happy. They walk around with a smile all day, I want to kick them in the teeth. That’s a trigger for me.  I see it all the time with people in the mall, they don’t have a pot to piss in, but they are smiling.

Every person deals with things that make them depressed, unfortunately, us addicts found our drugs before we did other things and then the vicious cycle started. We know what we did was wrong, and we hate ourselves for it. How do we stop hating ourselves, take a drink, or a hit. The worse I feel, the more I want to drink. This war is not just against alcohol. In fact, it really isn’t against a drug at all. The doctors cured me of that when I detoxed, this war is against myself.  People look down on addicts like we used because we were selfish, or were trying just to have fun. In many cases that is true. Some addicts just used to feel normal again, and for that little time, feel at peace. I didn’t have fun drinking. It just made me feel like I was what I wanted to be. The only problem is, IT wanted me dead. I’m trying to find happiness every day, and I hope it’s out there somewhere.  People think addicts are selfish, no, the recovering addict has to be selfish, they need to find their own happiness, without that “perfect friend” whispering failed promises in their ears. It’s a hard journey, but one we all must walk, and there is a treasure, it might just take some time to find. ML

Well, not a whole lot going on so far to start out this Labor Day weekend. I will comment on how scared I am that my beloved White Sox are picking the worst time in the world to play like garbage. This is the time of year where every starter needs an “ace” performance, but that is not happening by any stretch of the imagination. It will be a tough road the rest of the way and any one who says they like how close the race is, is nuts. I would be much happier if the Sox were 10 games up now and could coast into the post season. Realistically, if the Sox don’t make it, I have little to no teams to cheer for this next couple months. The Bears I think would have trouble beating some college teams, Notre Dame looks to have another dismal year, and that is really it until basketball season. At least the Celtics will have the base for a quality team to defend their title next year.

 Labor Day is a fun holiday for most, but for a recovering alcoholic, Monday represents yet another reminder that I am different from everyone else. I was getting my hair cut and the person cutting it asked what I was doing to Labor Day and asked if I was going to a barbeque and getting hammered. Nope. I think of how many functioning alcoholics will be out there getting smashed, driving drunk, having a great friggin time, never admitting that they have a problem. Holidays like this, are  excuses for the “normals” to be addicts. I am an alcoholic, but I don’t plan on days to get drunk, but people all over the US will on Monday. Yet I’m the one they look down at. People wonder why addicts are resentful sometimes, weekends like this are one of the reasons. To all the addicts that read this, stay strong, at least one day this weekend, you can look at all those pretenders drinking their Zimas and  wine coolers and laugh, and give them that look, the one you always get from them. Then go home, knowing that you won another day.

Wow, there have been four Bear preseason games and I can say that I have not been the least bit impressed with any of them. Granted, as all the players and coaches like to say on national TV, that the playbook is very small and they don’t gameplan for these games, the overall talent level looks pretty poor. I can’t believe that 2 years ago the Bears were playing the Colts in the Super Bowl. During the game, the channel had a little visual about the significance of the Bears and Colts playing their first games against one another. Sorry everyone, Peyton Manning is going to light them up. Short of Devin Hester having some Godlike game returning the ball, and Indy is arrogant enough to kick to him, I see that game being a 21 point blowout by halftime. The famous Bears defense looks slow and well, old. I would love to see them win again,  but if the preseaon is any indication, it will be a long, hard to watch 16 games. I hope I’m wrong, but Lovie isn’t gonna be finding much love this year.

 I got to see Dark Knight finally today and I have to say that I was blown away. It was amazing to see Heath Ledger as the Joker. I must say that my opinion of him was a little, well, messed up, after Brokeback Mountain, but he was amazing as the Clown Prince. Yes, I’m not a fan of Brokeback Mountain, never saw it, never will, if that makes me a bad person, then well, so be it. It’s a shame that Heath is dead now from drugs. I have a feeling no one will ever really know what truly happened to him, but it made me think as a recovering alchoholic. How many times did I go on a bender that pushed the limits of my mortality?? Way too many. Listening to people in AA, it seems that is the secret wish of all addicts, no matter your drug of choice. We all wanted to die at one point. We all hate who we are when we use, but that is the monster that takes over. Plenty of times, I took one more drink than I knew I could handle, secretly hoping my heart would stop, and the pain would end. There is a good quote from a favorite movie of mine, Blade. “Sooner or later, the thirst always wins.” That seems to be the motto in an addicts head. And as much as we hate it, it always comes back to that. I loved being told by someone at work that he had never dealt with an alchoholic before. Yeah, right, he never dealt with one that got help or admitted they were. Many people have some kind of addiction, smoking, drugs, sleep, sex, work, exercise, money, but why are the people that finally man up and say that they need and/or get help, are looked at like we carry the plague.  I’ve seen it too many times. It’s a struggle I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s 100% a personal and internal struggle, yet everyone around you takes it personally. It’s a fact of addiction. Anyone that has been there knows it. I wish I could pull my thoughts out of my head for everyone to see.  When I drank, it wasn’t to hurt anyone but myself. All addicts are self destructive. Being a recovering addict means that I had to make a choice, I chose life, and although the past 8 years I didn’t always think that way, I’ve been to Hell and climbed back into the light, and I have no plans of grabbing a shovel and going back. Satan had his chance to take me, he missed, it’s time for me to kick his ass now for a while. ML