Twelve Step Sports Addict

Well, it looks like the Bears have something to play for tomorrow, which is good because they seem to not understand the significance and the rivalry between them and the Packers. Minnesota lost to the Falcons today, so the Bears need to win tomorrow and again against Houston, and the Vikings need to lose against the Giants. Seems unlikely, but you never know. I wanted to thank everyone who commented and read this blog for your support either with my recovery or anything else that I have written about. I never thought typing about myself would have been entertaining, but if it helps one person get help, then it is way worth it. Like I had mentioned before, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Living every day with a thirst for something that kills you is the worst feeling in the world. But fighting it, and the won battle every day, gives me a sense of accomplishment. I think back to all the times I woke up, not knowing where the night or day went, seriously, mentally forgetting an entire day. I know I will be laying on my death bed one day, praying for one more day of life, and I have no one to blame but myself for wasting days. The fight against oneself is so hard. I would much rather be in the ring with a young, coke free, pre-rape Mike Tyson than have to battle this, and find ways to keep myself sane. But that is the Lord chose for me. Some people are way worse off. At least I appreciate every hour of every day. There is nothing like staring death in the face, when you’re yellow from jaundice, sick from withdrawl, forgetting your own name from the dementia tremors, to realize how precious life is. All those beer or Vodka commercials love to show a good time and people getting laid all day long, I have a commercial, show the drunk on the floor blacked out, with a bathtub full of vomit and blood in the toilet from kidney failure. The 160 bpm resting heart rate, the shakes from low magnesium and sugar, the failing liver, yellow eyes, cotton mouth, uncontrollable sweats, and the pending DUI court case. Not to mention that person is alone, having lost all they ever loved. That person will get up again and stumble to the store to buy more, that is the disease and that is what happens without help. That would not be a good Super Bowl halftime commercial. One in 10 people are alcoholics, that’s sad. Never be ashamed to admit you need help, you’re body will admit it when your dead, so use your head. (that rhymes ML

I was thinking today about how many Christmas’s I have spent completely hammered and then I was suddenly proud of myself that this will be the first Christmas I won’t look as fat as Santa Claus, white as snow, and sober. Usually the trend would go that I would go to my parents’ house, open presents, then go home and grab the 5th of Vodka that I had bought the day before and hidden,  the get sloshed. I have to say that I would not wish alcoholism or addiction for that matter, on my worst enemy, but the neat thing is although I am upset that I am getting older,  I get to act like a kid in  a way nowadays. My life is filled with many firsts. Not necessarily firsts like an infant, but firsts that haven’t happened in a long long time. It gives me stuff to look forward for. I have been framing my coins for sobriety and as I hung this past one on the wall, I thought that a year ago I was so ashamed of my life that I was always a little upset when I woke up every morning that I was still breathing, and here I am now, just like I was in high school again, making a trophy out of something special. This beats out all the football and basketball trophies by far. Tackling and draining a jump shot is easy. Controlling that raging asshole that wants to get drunk and die inside of me is a fight that I will always have, and every day I get to beat it, I have another first time, because this time last year, that asshole was killing me, now I’m killing him, with no weapon other than my own heart, and that is enough. ML

Today was a great day as I got to spend it with my brother and we got to travel to Joliet to watch a good division 2 football game. My brother played for that college couple years back and he got to see some of his old friends. It was fun for me, especially spending some time with my brother who I don’t get to see all that often anymore, but it also let me do a lot of thinking. Seeing my bro with all his friends kind of made me sad that I didn’t stay in college and have that experience. I basically pissed my college time away because I was not mature enough to understand what a great opportunity that I had. It’s funny as I get older, I start feeling a lot of regret. I also regretted not seeing more of my brother’s games when he was in college. He is physical specimen and was even more when he played. Watching a bunch of guys I never met, and cheering for a school I didn’t even go to was alright, but I am regretting a lot of that time I wasted while he was in school taking care of things and people that ended up not really being in my best interests in the end. It’s hard as a recoverying alcoholic not to be overwhelmed with tons of regret. Everyday i think about things and how I could have done it differently. But at least now, I am having the opportunity to start my life over again. I need to be careful not to live in regret, but use those experiences to avoid certain situations and pitfalls. I have experienced a lot in my short time on this earth and a lot of it, I am not proud of. In order not to scare any family that may or may not know that much about me, I am not going to disclose some of the experiences, but it has made me so much stronger as a person. The funny thing about addiction is the expectation of perfection. An addict is far from perfect. I have relasped since I quit drinking. Thankfully, nothing was too bad or damaging and always limited to a day and not a binge like I used to go on. I used to always feel bad thinking about it, but then i remembered how hard addiction is to handle. If beating an addiction was easy and wasn’t full of struggles, then everyone would be able to do it and the world would have a lot less prisoners, homeless, and poor. For any of you out there having trouble quiting anything, don’t stop trying. There will be bumps in the road, all you can do is keep going forward. Don’t live in regret, take that time and energy and plan your future. ML

I’m watching Penn St. and Ohio St play today. I am rooting for old man Joe Paterno to have a great season. Go Nittany Lions!!!

I was having a talk with one of the many people that I talk to since I started recovery, and I had a very good conversation about how people react to me now differently than a few months ago. The biggest difference is that I actually am aware how people react to me and treat me since I am not in an alcohol induced haze anymore. There is nothing more embarrassing for me than talking to someone and not realizing that they had told me something very important, that didn’t register in my head at the time, since a few billions brain cells were waving goodbye to the rest of my head. What it basically comes down to, and I am paraphrasing another person, that life is a big movie. We all have our scripts that we pick up, and that is how we play. Dropped into any random situation, we will continue to play our script the only way we know how. For the longest time, I was typecast. Like Al Pacino playing a mobster, I was the social screw up. People relied on me to basically be unreliable, and that is how I always viewed myself, and when push came to shove, I even went out of my way to play that, since it was easiest. Nowadays, I have my stuff together and many people are not knowing how to treat me. I have my bills paid, I have lost an enormous amount of weight, and I am much happier than I have ever been. Some people take me being happy as automatic sarcasm, and they can’t understand why I am happy, and sometimes even go to the length of trying to complain about things to get me to complain and be miserable, just like I used to. To all you folks out there struggling to get out of addiction, the challenge, and fun of watching people adapt to you after you have cleaned your life up, is incredible. I spent the last week buying clothes that I would have never bought a few months ago. I fit into a size pants that I haven’t fit into since high school, and I was so stoked, that I went out and spent a few hundred on expensive designer clothes. What I spent this last week, trumps the total monetary value of my waredrobe up until now. But you know what, that is money I would have spent on booze. Quiting the sauce not only helped me drop over 65lbs in a very short time, but it saved me a ton of money. I can also walk around the mall shopping for hours without sweating like I just got done jogging in a sauna. Just like actors, it is fun to play new parts. I don’t know how this will all end, but for the first time in years, I’m sharp, motivated, and love proving people wrong. Like my very wise brother once told me, I want to be “that guy” who kicked a terrible disease, and although I had every excuse in the world to drink, from family sickeness, to losing the love of my life and my puppy in the same day, I was able to rise up with a full heart…..and spend $120 on a pair of jeans……It is possible, and there is a major difference from the high feeling of forgetting your problems through drugs and alcohol, and the amazing feeling of eliminating your problems and facing adversity one on one, eye to eye, and rather than using booze to cover the pain of a shot…..throw the first punch and knock bad luck on it’s ass for once…..ML

Well, today was a very good day for me as I had a very favorable day in court. I am not going to get into the details, but as my brother said, there is something real about Karma. During my past drinking binges, when I would lie to everyone, drink myself stupid, and basically make dumb decisions, luck always seemed to go against me. I always felt sorry for myself, always thinking I was just unlucky or cursed, and usually, would talk myself into getting drunk again. Nowadays, I have been keeping the course, staying sober, taking care of myself, and it seems that my luck has changed. Maybe I am actually making my own luck. Today in court, something that really should not have happened, happened in my favor and I can only say that what I have done since my arrest must have helped. To anyone who gets any kind of alcohol related charge against them…..use that situation as a reason to turn your life around. As much as court has been a hassle, scary, and very very expensive, this whole experience has kept me on the right path. Every-time I go to court, and my officer that arrested me shows up, I get a chill down my spine, followed by an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and regret. I know that I am one of many many people that the officer has arrested and I am nothing more than a name and a mug shot on a report, but to me, that face with haunt me the rest of my life. Thankfully, it is the officer’s face I tremble around, and not the face of somebody that I could have hit or hurt, or killed. No amount of time in court, or no amount of fines could possibly be worse than knowing that I took a life. It took me 28 years to make my first major legal mistake, and I swore to myself, that after this is done, I will never step foot in a courtroom again because of something bad that I did. No craving or high is worth my soul.

Today I spent a short day at work pretty much being pissed off at the world. Some parts of recovery for me are so perplexing, the biggest being the mood swings that I feel. I guess that is part of being human and not the booze drinking vampire I was a few months ago. Just little things were getting me mad today, and when the Bears blew another 10 point lead to lose to the Bucs, it was time for me to go home before I said something to someone that I would have regretted. I have been working a lot lately and it will be nice to take some time off. I will talk more about the hapless Bears tomorrow. Today I wanted to write about a conversation that I had with my sponsor today. Part of recovery is talking to your sponsor when you are having a bad day. Some people are under the myth that you only call your sponsor when you are craving a drink. That is wrong, you want to relax before it gets to that point. But what we talked about is how ironic being an addict is. No matter how good I do at my job, I can still feel my employees look me up and down each day to ensure I am in the right frame of mind and sometimes they tell me to relax when I get a little worked up, like some customer is going to make me run to the bar and down a few Irish Car Bombs. It’s funny how people think that addicts can just stop on their own with no help. Lots of times, addicts think that as well. People, you can’t. There is a very very small amount of people that can stop cold turkey from their drug of choice, but some are MUCH harder than others. Heroin for instance, is almost too dangerous to stop cold turkey and you will need a stay in the hospital to stop from dying. Think about it, the numbers are against you. 90% of all diets in the United States fail. So of 100 people trying to lose weight, only 10 of them will. Food, chemically is not addictive. It doesn’t affect your brain, in the way booze does. Yet people can’t lose weight. Those same people will look down on an alcoholic or an addict, like we are weak.  How many people smoke? Tons. That is proven to kill you over time. The only real difference in my eyes between a drinker, heroin addict, smoker or binge eater, is that you can’t hurt anyone else if you get in a car full, and you don’t need a dealer to get a sandwich.

I find it funny these days how embarrassed people are about their addictions. Especially those who got help. You are not the only one. I can name at least 100 people I know that are functioning alcoholics, and I knew a few heavy cocaine addicts a while back. The main point I was talking to my sponsor about was how the 12 steps work with about anything. I think I might need to start another program to get off cherry sherbet. Although I lost about 50 lbs since I quit the sauce and am back looking like an athlete again, that stuff just gets me. :). But way more healthy than a 5th of Skol Vodka. The point is to anyone reading this, never be ashamed of who you are. You will never get past the addiction if you can’t forgive yourself. By no means am I 100% there yet, but it is a start. Everyone, I mean everyone, is hooked on something, somethings they just don’t have meetings for yet. Anyone reading this who avoids AA meetings because they are embarrassed, don’t be, you will thank yourself later. In many ways, the people of AA are more understanding than anyone. No matter what happens, you are always welcome back.  Anyone need advice or encouragement, feel free to contact me through my contact tab and I promise I will reply. It is a fight, but you are not alone……ever.

What is the hardest thing about being an addict?? Many people, including myself thought it was going to be the detox. For me, it was alcohol detox, the five days in the hospital, sweating, shaking, vomiting, generally feeling like I was going to die. The ironic part was, when you detox, for that little time, you feel sicker than you did when you were using. I never felt as bad drunk as I did when I was detoxing. My heart rate was sky high, I was having nightmares, and I lost my appetite.  But that really isn’t the hard part. They give you medicine like Adavant or Valium to control some of the DTs and withdrawl symptoms, so it doesn’t get that bad. The hardest part is the time after an addict detoxs. I think it is harder because you need to finally look at life through clear eyes. The rehab was easier than I thought. I am by nature, not a very social person, but I found it pretty easy to open up to total strangers. The hardest part for me, was two fold, the idea that I was not a pile of crap, and the feeling of failure. Most people feel great, like they accomplish something when they are sober for a while. I like to see what could have been, and it so depressing sometimes.

Today I got a very big suprise when someone I accidently heard talking about me like I was an anecdote and it crushed me. The good part about it was that something like this would have been a trigger for me, and I did what they explain in the Big Book and in meetings, I called some people, vented, called my sponser, and went to a meeting. The old me would have been half dead by now with a fifth of cheap vodka in my system. Unfortunately though, the meeting made me realize what I was trying to avoid. Who I was, as a person, is truly dead. I will never, ever be, what I was suppossed to be in other people’s eyes.  When people talk about me, sometimes they talk about having to “deal” with me, or having ”dealt” with me. ”This is how we/I dealt with Mike’s problem.” People have to “deal” with the dog pooping on the floor, people have to deal with car accidents, bad service, criminals, a bad experience, etc. Growing up, I never thought that I would be something or someone that had to be dealt with. Being dealt with is never a positive thing, but that is what I have become, and people say it without even thinking about it or know what they are saying. “You have an alcoholic that you know…. here is how I “dealt” with who I know…… this is how I stopped his sickness from infecting me.” It truly does suck, but it is a fact of life. Deal with life on life’s terms, is what they say in AA. That is something that I will have to learn the rest of my life, but I will always be an alcoholic in everyone’s eyes, maybe better, maybe recovering, but always that drunk, that will always have that stigma, always have people afraid that I am one drink from a bender. I will always be a story to someone. Men who are 25 years sober told me today that it is never the same, people will never treat you the same, especially the people close to you. Even 25 years after their last drink, their families, their friends, look down on them. That is why they still go to meetings, even 25 years later, just to feel normal and among friends. What a shock to me. I was hoping that someday this constant judgment of me and distrust would go away, but it probably won’t. Wow. But I guess that I am lucky in a way. I am free in ways that some people are not. I don’t need to worry about my status, or what car I drive, how good looking my girlfriend is, or what people think of me. Who cares what other people think of me now. Anyone that wants to judge me, will never understand the pain I have felt, the struggle of waking up and not knowing if I wanted to finish the day breathing, the constant self doubt and self destruction, and the thirst. A good day for me, what makes me happy, is to feel normal, to go through and not have a drink today. That means I won. The brotherhood of AA is special, we all have one goal, to stay alive, and to stay sober. That is a journey I need to walk myself, but as long as I can, at least one day at a time, I can feel happy and feel like I truly accomplished something great.ML

Today was the day of my DUI evaluation or should I say “you’re a freaking idiot” evaluation. It didn’t go as bad as I thought it would go, and I was very honest. I have a lot to be proud of since that fateful day that I was a moron, so it wasn’t so hard to talk about what happened and what I have done since then. Still, it’s always like a kick in the pants and embarrassing. All I can say is thank God that nothing worse happened and it’s over. There is not much to talk about today in the world of sports other than the Giants beat the Redskins. Yeah, that was exciting. Didn’t seem like a very riviting game other than the few times I got to see Eli Manning get hit. I was hoping that the starter from Washington would get tired, because I love watching his backup, Hawaii grad Colt Brennen play. Mark my words, Brennen will be a stud someday. He has a rocket for an arm and he can run. He played the preseaon like a grizzled pro and I can only pray to the football Gods that he ends up with the Bears one day. He has more talent in his little toe than Orton and Grossman have put together. But, as a Bears fan, I am sure I will die, never seeing a quality all-star quarterback taking snaps. What would I expect from a franchise who’s last kiss ass QB was Sid Luckman?

 Today was an interesting day for me as I was very busy at work and scared to death about my evaluation. Luckily, my brother came by and was able to calm me down a bit, and by the way, good luck bro, you deserve that spot….. So I don’t have much to write about today unless people would like to hear about the ins and out of the world of wireless technology. I like the idea of adding youtube clips to my blog, as it is something cool to watch after reading a ton, and usually I try to pick something funny. I picked this highlight today for a couple of reasons. This highlight is of a MMA fight involving  Kazushi Sakuraba, a favorite MMA fighter of mine. He makes an amazing comeback from getting his butt kicked to win. It is an amazing thing to watch although very brutal. The song playing is from the band Vicious Traditions and I love this highlight as it shows what some tenacity and heart can do. I love the middle where the voice says “I will not die today.” Any addict that is trying to get normal again, says that in one way or another. They always say one day at a time, and that is true. Every human being fights death. An addict has the unique challenge of fighting death from an unlikely source, themselves. We not only have to fight against bad health, getting hit in a car, old age, whatever, we fight that ticking time bomb which is our addiction, that little demon on our shoulder, telling us to give up, that it will be Ok, that it will only be one drink. That little demon wants us to die. That little demon is ourselves. The part of us that wants to self destruct. That is what people don’t understand when they look at an addict. We fight stereotypes, financial, legal, relationship trouble, but the one constant, the one person that should want us to live, ourself, wants us to die sometimes. That’s when it’s time to push back, and tell everyone, our critics, our enemies, the bottle, the drug, and most importantly that bit of ourself that wants to hurt, No, I will not die today. ML

Today was the second day of two consecutive days off and it was a pretty good day today. Hopefully it will end better with the White Sox getting a win and as of right now, the Cubs losing their 5th in a row. I’m sorry, but I am a Cub hater. Always was, always will be and although that might make me unpopular, I don’t care. I don’t care if they win the world series, I will have to be buried six feet under before I ever put on a Cubs hat. I hear that Big Z is going to get an MRI to get his arm checked out. Personally, I think they should CT his head, because I think that man is nuts. Only a nut would kick the hell out of his catcher, admonish his own fans for booing a poor outing of his, and well, all the other crazy stuff he does season after season. I don’t think there is anything wrong with him that can’t be fixed with a lobotomy and some Valium. But, as a Sox fan and Cub hater, I hope they find some terrible tear in his shoulder that will require career ending surgery. Below the belt you say? He could retire today and never have to work another day in his life. So all you people who think I’m mean, go ask Big Z for loan and see what he says. In other news, current UFC champion Randy Coutre is making his return to the octagon to face former WWE champion Brock Lesnar. What makes this so interesting is that Coutre will be turning 46 and Lesnar is a freak of nature at 280lbs of pure muscle. I hope Coutre wins convincingly, because I think all of those wannabe fighters from the WWE need a lesson in reality. Also, it’s nice to see an old man kick ass. I’m not even sure I’ll live to be 46, yet this man is competing in combat sports. Wow. Good luck Randy. If he wins, hopefully Dana White (the prez of UFC) can sign Fedor, and have a dream match-up. I am almost sure the “Last Emperor of Russia” will beat Coutre, but it will be a great fight, one I would consider coughing up the insane price for PPV.

 The last two days have been hectic from the personal side of things from meetings, continuing care, and now my evaluation, which I take tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it, but that is the bed I made for myself and I have to lie in it. I realized today that I stopped counting the days sober. When I first heard of people doing that, I thought they were nuts, but now I realize why. There is no prize at the end of the journey. Once I hit 365 days, I don’t get some treasure or some lottery ticket. When I go to meetings I meet people that have been sober for 20 years. That’s 7300 days. I don’t plan on ever counting that high unless I am counting money. I realized that although I need to make sobriety important, I can’t make it all that is me. I see people who do nothing but go to AA, rehab, counseling, etc. Although I know it is a never ending battle, the whole goal of quiting drinking was getting my life back to sanity and being a normal person again. Contrary to popular belief, an addict is not a monster, or a pariah. We just are chemically dependant. Take away the chemical, which is a struggle, but we are people, that bleed red just like anyone else. I am so sick of thinking of myself as a freak. By no means can I ever stop thinking about it and working at it, but it doesn’t have to be all that I am. I’m Mike, and I’m an alcoholic, but, I am a brother, a son, an employee, and friend, and hopefully someday a husband and a dad. I have talents, I know what I am, and what I need to do. Sometimes at meetings people just stop at alcoholic, and they never realize how much more than can be sober.

 Since I have found how to implant youtube videos into my blog, I got another request at a laugh. This video is supposedly of open tryouts for a kung fu movie, and these are some of the outtakes of the ones that didn’t make it. This also makes me laugh. These guys never lose…….ML

I have been a little nervous about this Labor Day, and now that it is almost over, I must say that I am happy. No urges today or anything. I think back to last Labor Day, getting smashed beyond recognition, alone. It’s not like I needed the actual holiday for an excuse, it just seemed to fit better in my head and didn’t make me feel like such an addict if I could justify or rationalize it somehow. I think back to all those drinks that I used to down. I got pretty bad towards the end. I started out just like any other drinker, downing beers, wine, the usual. Then the hard liquor started as my tolerance started to get bigger. Then it was rotgut Vodka that could start a small car. I am always amazed by the human body, but in that respect, I think the Lord forgot to cross a T. Drugs kill you, one way or another, they WILL kill you, yet your body adapts and lets you drink or snort more, until you feel it. So naturally, you do more damage as time goes on, to get the same effect. So, in a way, you get better at killing yourself as time goes on.

 I read an article today about how Lake County wants to start banning smoking in private residences. Wow. I am not a smoker, I dabbled, and quit, but if someone wants to smoke in their own house, so be it. I understand second hand smoke kills “other” people, but if someone wants to inhale cancer, be my guest. It is our rights as humans, what we want to do to our bodies. Why don’t they ban booze, fast food, knives, violent TV, anything that would be bad for us? They already make us wear seat belts. If I feel like flying through a window, then that is how I want to go out. A cop will hide behind a toll both and ticket people for seat belts, but they let motorcycle riders do wheelies, and wear nothing more than sunglasses. Why not ban motorcycles? If you crash on one of those, you are lucky if you survive. As I am getting older, I am amazed by how messed up the world is getting, and how much control people are losing over their own lives, it actually is starting to scare me a bit. Maybe it truly is now, I am looking at life through sober eyes, but I have to laugh about a lot of this. Yeah, let’s send 18 year olds, fresh out of high school to Iraq to get blown to pieces by IEDs, but we are gonna arrest someone for lighting up in their own house. Crazy.

 Well, long live the Viking!! When I told my brother that I was writing a blog, he made me promise to have one about one of our favorite youtube videos. I don’t understand how this isn’t as popular as the Nuna Nuna kid, Chocolate Rain, or my favorite,  sneezing Panda, but I laugh my butt off everytime I see this. In honor of my brother, I bring you Techno Viking. (At the very least, this will make you smile because it is so demented )

Also, to Mr. L, your wife is in my prayers. God Bless and good luck. ML

After a absolutely terrible day at work today, I was happy to see that the White Sox got a win against Boston. About friggin time!! Also very glad to see that Jim Thome tied Mickey Mantle on the all-time home run list. Good for him. Jim Thome seems like the nicest and most respected guy in all of baseball. It’s nice to see an athlete hit a major milestone without the suspicion of steroids or HGH or whatever else these knuckleheads are injecting into their bodies. Also, I heard today that Peyton Manning will play on Sunday against the Bears. Damn. I really hope Lovie was holding back this preseason and he is going to pull some David Blaine like trick and the real Bears team arrives in Indy and Lovie can say that, they just sucked to fool everyone. But I doubt it.

 With this being Labor Day weekend, I have been doing a lot of thinking about alcoholism. It’s kind of hard not to, seeing every cop and their mother out on patrol looking for DUIs, and the horrible flashback of myself being in the back of a patrol car. That aside, I started to really think why. Why did I drink, why do addicts use?? I am sure there are lots of reasons and let’s for a minute forget about the chemical dependency part. Yes, nicotine, alcohol, heroin, all that stuff gets in your blood and you crave it and then you detox. But that is far from it. If that was the case, people wouldn’t relapse. I thought about it hard and long, and I really do think that I drank just to be happy. I am happy when I drink. At least during the act. The next day is full of regrets, headaches, regrettable phone calls, and that feeling of worthlessness. But when I drink, that period between starting and when I passed out, I was everything I am not in real life. I am confident, funny, calm, stress free, talkative, and reflective.

I am naturally pretty anti-social. I don’t even like ordering pizza over the phone, but when I was buzzed, I would talk someone’s ear off. I think it is that way for lots of addicts. Most of us, spend a majority of our time miserable for one reason or another. I personally am filled with regret. What could have been…. even as friends read my blog”you should have been a writer”; Yeah, I know. When I drink, I forget the heartache of losing a fiancee, my puppy, I forget the stress of work….I am truly, for that little bit of time, feel happy. Ever sit in an rehab meeting with recovering addicts?? They are not a happy bunch. EVERY ONE of them have some deep seeded emotional problem. I drank sometimes just to fall asleep without having to remember my dreams. I have nightmares almost every night. Some are too violent to repeat. I would love to bring Sigmund Freud back to life and talk to him about that for hours, but my Freud was a bottle.

For an addict, the drug made us feel normal. It sure made me feel normal. I don’t have many friends (stemming from my not being very social), but if you think of it, at the time, booze was the perfect friend. It was cheap, always around, never judged me, never nagged me, never lied, never left, never fought, in a way, it always said the right things, because I always felt great, and figuratively speaking, it always came back. Unfortunately, while that friend was doing that, it was kicking the living snot out of me as well. Killed my liver, heart, made me gain weight, and I am sure killed a few billion brain cells. Now that I am sober, I am finding other small ways to be happy. I get so jealous of people that are happy. They walk around with a smile all day, I want to kick them in the teeth. That’s a trigger for me.  I see it all the time with people in the mall, they don’t have a pot to piss in, but they are smiling.

Every person deals with things that make them depressed, unfortunately, us addicts found our drugs before we did other things and then the vicious cycle started. We know what we did was wrong, and we hate ourselves for it. How do we stop hating ourselves, take a drink, or a hit. The worse I feel, the more I want to drink. This war is not just against alcohol. In fact, it really isn’t against a drug at all. The doctors cured me of that when I detoxed, this war is against myself.  People look down on addicts like we used because we were selfish, or were trying just to have fun. In many cases that is true. Some addicts just used to feel normal again, and for that little time, feel at peace. I didn’t have fun drinking. It just made me feel like I was what I wanted to be. The only problem is, IT wanted me dead. I’m trying to find happiness every day, and I hope it’s out there somewhere.  People think addicts are selfish, no, the recovering addict has to be selfish, they need to find their own happiness, without that “perfect friend” whispering failed promises in their ears. It’s a hard journey, but one we all must walk, and there is a treasure, it might just take some time to find. ML

Wow, there have been four Bear preseason games and I can say that I have not been the least bit impressed with any of them. Granted, as all the players and coaches like to say on national TV, that the playbook is very small and they don’t gameplan for these games, the overall talent level looks pretty poor. I can’t believe that 2 years ago the Bears were playing the Colts in the Super Bowl. During the game, the channel had a little visual about the significance of the Bears and Colts playing their first games against one another. Sorry everyone, Peyton Manning is going to light them up. Short of Devin Hester having some Godlike game returning the ball, and Indy is arrogant enough to kick to him, I see that game being a 21 point blowout by halftime. The famous Bears defense looks slow and well, old. I would love to see them win again,  but if the preseaon is any indication, it will be a long, hard to watch 16 games. I hope I’m wrong, but Lovie isn’t gonna be finding much love this year.

 I got to see Dark Knight finally today and I have to say that I was blown away. It was amazing to see Heath Ledger as the Joker. I must say that my opinion of him was a little, well, messed up, after Brokeback Mountain, but he was amazing as the Clown Prince. Yes, I’m not a fan of Brokeback Mountain, never saw it, never will, if that makes me a bad person, then well, so be it. It’s a shame that Heath is dead now from drugs. I have a feeling no one will ever really know what truly happened to him, but it made me think as a recovering alchoholic. How many times did I go on a bender that pushed the limits of my mortality?? Way too many. Listening to people in AA, it seems that is the secret wish of all addicts, no matter your drug of choice. We all wanted to die at one point. We all hate who we are when we use, but that is the monster that takes over. Plenty of times, I took one more drink than I knew I could handle, secretly hoping my heart would stop, and the pain would end. There is a good quote from a favorite movie of mine, Blade. “Sooner or later, the thirst always wins.” That seems to be the motto in an addicts head. And as much as we hate it, it always comes back to that. I loved being told by someone at work that he had never dealt with an alchoholic before. Yeah, right, he never dealt with one that got help or admitted they were. Many people have some kind of addiction, smoking, drugs, sleep, sex, work, exercise, money, but why are the people that finally man up and say that they need and/or get help, are looked at like we carry the plague.  I’ve seen it too many times. It’s a struggle I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s 100% a personal and internal struggle, yet everyone around you takes it personally. It’s a fact of addiction. Anyone that has been there knows it. I wish I could pull my thoughts out of my head for everyone to see.  When I drank, it wasn’t to hurt anyone but myself. All addicts are self destructive. Being a recovering addict means that I had to make a choice, I chose life, and although the past 8 years I didn’t always think that way, I’ve been to Hell and climbed back into the light, and I have no plans of grabbing a shovel and going back. Satan had his chance to take me, he missed, it’s time for me to kick his ass now for a while. ML 

It was announced the other day that on the next Elite XC fighting card that Kevin (Kimbo Slice) Ferguson, will be fighting Ken Shamrock on October 4th. Being a huge MMA fan, I find myself for the first time not really knowing who to root for. Kimbo, is trying to get legitimacy, as he is a newcomer to the sport, but Shamrock is trying to prove that he isn’t at the end of the line in his career. I have never been a real huge fan of Ken as he always seems to be starting fights that he can’t finish. Talking tons of trash to competators that end up soundly beating him. But any true fan of the sport can remember the young Shamrock getting awesome wins in Japan and some in the UFC. I guess I would like to see Kimbo win a hard fought match, enough to prove that Shamrock has heart, but Kimbo is legit. People love to bash Kimbo, saying he is a circus attraction. I don’t think so, he works hard, trains with a legend (Bas Rutten), and has a deep respect for the sport. I try not to remember that he hangs around with a pretty shady entourage and sports a logo for a porno site on his shirt after fights, but that is besides the point.  I hope it is a good fight, and expect a recap after it is over on my blog here. If I am really lucky, I can get some video too.

 As for today, my day off, I had a full day. I attempted to write an article for this site about being a pro boxer and the steps one has to take. My title for my blog is an insight to what is going on in my life as a recovering alchoholic. Continuing care this morning, and a session with my psychologist later. It’s a grind, a fight, but one, I realized that I can never give up, not for a minute. I will say that I miss the White Sox games that I used to go to a few years ago, having a few beers and cheering for a win. As I am still a rabid Sox fan, I still cheer for the team, but every time I watch a game, it reminds me what I used to be. People like Kimbo and Shamrock, feel the need to prove to the world that they have it, that they are tough, I spend every day having to prove to myself, as well as others, that I’m normal. I will have lots to write about this subject as time goes on, but for now, I wanted to give a little insight to a typical thought process for me. Every day I stay in control is a won battle, in a war that will never end.ML