Twelve Step Sports Addict

Well, it looks like the Bears have something to play for tomorrow, which is good because they seem to not understand the significance and the rivalry between them and the Packers. Minnesota lost to the Falcons today, so the Bears need to win tomorrow and again against Houston, and the Vikings need to lose against the Giants. Seems unlikely, but you never know. I wanted to thank everyone who commented and read this blog for your support either with my recovery or anything else that I have written about. I never thought typing about myself would have been entertaining, but if it helps one person get help, then it is way worth it. Like I had mentioned before, I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Living every day with a thirst for something that kills you is the worst feeling in the world. But fighting it, and the won battle every day, gives me a sense of accomplishment. I think back to all the times I woke up, not knowing where the night or day went, seriously, mentally forgetting an entire day. I know I will be laying on my death bed one day, praying for one more day of life, and I have no one to blame but myself for wasting days. The fight against oneself is so hard. I would much rather be in the ring with a young, coke free, pre-rape Mike Tyson than have to battle this, and find ways to keep myself sane. But that is the Lord chose for me. Some people are way worse off. At least I appreciate every hour of every day. There is nothing like staring death in the face, when you’re yellow from jaundice, sick from withdrawl, forgetting your own name from the dementia tremors, to realize how precious life is. All those beer or Vodka commercials love to show a good time and people getting laid all day long, I have a commercial, show the drunk on the floor blacked out, with a bathtub full of vomit and blood in the toilet from kidney failure. The 160 bpm resting heart rate, the shakes from low magnesium and sugar, the failing liver, yellow eyes, cotton mouth, uncontrollable sweats, and the pending DUI court case. Not to mention that person is alone, having lost all they ever loved. That person will get up again and stumble to the store to buy more, that is the disease and that is what happens without help. That would not be a good Super Bowl halftime commercial. One in 10 people are alcoholics, that’s sad. Never be ashamed to admit you need help, you’re body will admit it when your dead, so use your head. (that rhymes ML

I was thinking today about how many Christmas’s I have spent completely hammered and then I was suddenly proud of myself that this will be the first Christmas I won’t look as fat as Santa Claus, white as snow, and sober. Usually the trend would go that I would go to my parents’ house, open presents, then go home and grab the 5th of Vodka that I had bought the day before and hidden,  the get sloshed. I have to say that I would not wish alcoholism or addiction for that matter, on my worst enemy, but the neat thing is although I am upset that I am getting older,  I get to act like a kid in  a way nowadays. My life is filled with many firsts. Not necessarily firsts like an infant, but firsts that haven’t happened in a long long time. It gives me stuff to look forward for. I have been framing my coins for sobriety and as I hung this past one on the wall, I thought that a year ago I was so ashamed of my life that I was always a little upset when I woke up every morning that I was still breathing, and here I am now, just like I was in high school again, making a trophy out of something special. This beats out all the football and basketball trophies by far. Tackling and draining a jump shot is easy. Controlling that raging asshole that wants to get drunk and die inside of me is a fight that I will always have, and every day I get to beat it, I have another first time, because this time last year, that asshole was killing me, now I’m killing him, with no weapon other than my own heart, and that is enough. ML

There has been so much going on these past couple days, that I don’t have enough room to write about it all. Not that anyone would really care anyway. Go Bears!! Nice game against the hapless Rams. Granted, the Bears were supposed to kick the crap out of those losers, but at least they did, lest we forget the last time the Bears played the Lions and almost lost to a team that hasn’t won a game this year. This Sunday should be an amazing game against the Vikings. This is a must win for the Bears, so I can only hope that Tommy Harris decides to play more than 1 play for every 10, and Brian Urlacher grows a set and comes to play.

The SCORE event was amazing. I have never been at a live radio broadcast, and it was so cool. I am an avid SCORE listener (670am) and watching Hampton and Holmes do their thing was awesome. The two things that really amazed me was the one, how nice Laurence Holmes was. He was totally gracious and polite and very knowledgeable. Most celebrities are conceded, but he thanked not only me, but my mom for coming out, and took the time to take a picture with me. Also, I was amazed by how enormous Dan Hampton was. He looked like a giant, and even though he is older now, he was jacked up. He must still lift cars or something for a workout because he looked like he could kill eveyone in the room without breaking a sweat.

The last thing that was good for me to see, was a lady that was at the event who was smashed beyond belief. Wow, she was giving everyone kisses, jumping on stage, and just being annoying. I thought to myself that I was that bad at one time and must have made a total fool of myself. Seeing that I used to be that distgusting, is enough to keep me sober. More to come….ML

Today is my birthday, and yes, I am feeling very old, although I know that I shouldn’t. As much as I am not looking forward to birthdays anymore, I have many reasons to be very thankful for this one. For starters, I am blessed to have an amazing family that has never left my side through all my shenanigans and have sacrificed a lot, especially emotions to get me through this incredible struggle with alcoholism. I found it easier to deal with not only with a great family, much better than I deserve, but also giving myself to the program of AA, something I never did as I “white knuckled” the first months of sobriety. I found a new meeting two days ago filled with really great people that welcomed me like a family member. To any addict reading this, it is important to find meetings that fit your style, otherwise, you are going through the motions and it doesn’t really help you. Also, I am grateful that this is the first birthday since I was 17, that I have been sober. That is a horrible fact to think about, but since I don’t want to dwell on the past, I just have a new future to look forward to. I fit into clothes that I haven’t been able to fit into since high school, and am loving every minute of it.

The other thing I am grateful for is I found out that I am getting a dog for my birthday from my parents.  I am obsessed about dogs and have had a major hole in my heart for two years since my fiancee left me, and took my dog with her to another state. I haven’t seen my little pug now in two years, and I have to say, it has been a major source of sorrow for me, and a major trigger for me to drink. Knowing I am going to get another little buddy (a pug) to take care of, makes me incredibly happy. It will take some time to find the right pug, from the right place, but it will be a little bundle of joy. Since I am finding out that I have a small following of readers, I am asking for help to name the little guy. My last pug was named Quigley. I still love him dearly and I love Irish names as I am half mick. (and no that doesn’t have anything to do with being an alcoholic). My brother, parents and I have been thinking of names and I am going to list a few and why we thought of them. These are just a few. It will be a boy pug, only because I had a boy before and I know how to handle it easier than a female dog. Please comment if you have any name ideas!!

Quinn- Short for “The Mighty Quinn.” (Irish and cute for a little pug)

Flynn- Also Irish and from Jeff Bridges from the movie “Tron”

Jules/Vincent- From “Pulp Fiction”

Max- Short for Mad Max, everybody knows that.

Duke- John Wayne

Jeff- My brother’s pick as having a dog with a human name is just cute.

Paulie/Rocky/Mick-  From the movie “Rocky”.

Reggie- Paul Newman’s character in the movie “Slapshot”.

Ace- From “Casino”

Maverick/Jester- From “Top Gun”

These are just a few, and I have a while to decide, but I am very excited. On another note, Bears/Titans on Sunday with Rex starting at QB. I like Rex Grossman even though he is accident prone and too small to be an effective NFL QB, but through all the boos and press conferences after bad games, he never blamed anyone but himself, even when it wasn’t his fault. He stood there like a man and took all that crap on his shoulders and kept coming back. That is great character in my eyes, and if not for the Bears, I would love for him to become a great quarterback someday. In a time when NFL players are crying, cursing, backstabbing teammates, Rex was a great example of maturity in a league that desperately needs it. Cub fans have more reason to cry as the economy is hurting the sale of the Cubs and one man that might actually do everything he can to win a world series, Mark Cuban, probably won’t get a chance to buy, as a report has stated that Bud Selig won’t let him. Looks like even MLB even wants the Cubbies to suck. Someone had better buy this team fast, before Wrigley Field finally says enough and falls apart during a home game. The only reason Cub fans would be pissed would be because a collapse like that might interfere with their cell phone signals…..

Also, one last thing, my earlier post I made a mistake and said the Padres were going win the World Series. I meant the Phillies, but I was reading an article on the Padres while I was writing so I had a braindead moment. I got a comment about and I want to thank that person “HawaiinPun” for finding the error and calling me out on it. Also thanks for reading. I am happy some people find this blog entertaining.

Today was a great day as I got to spend it with my brother and we got to travel to Joliet to watch a good division 2 football game. My brother played for that college couple years back and he got to see some of his old friends. It was fun for me, especially spending some time with my brother who I don’t get to see all that often anymore, but it also let me do a lot of thinking. Seeing my bro with all his friends kind of made me sad that I didn’t stay in college and have that experience. I basically pissed my college time away because I was not mature enough to understand what a great opportunity that I had. It’s funny as I get older, I start feeling a lot of regret. I also regretted not seeing more of my brother’s games when he was in college. He is physical specimen and was even more when he played. Watching a bunch of guys I never met, and cheering for a school I didn’t even go to was alright, but I am regretting a lot of that time I wasted while he was in school taking care of things and people that ended up not really being in my best interests in the end. It’s hard as a recoverying alcoholic not to be overwhelmed with tons of regret. Everyday i think about things and how I could have done it differently. But at least now, I am having the opportunity to start my life over again. I need to be careful not to live in regret, but use those experiences to avoid certain situations and pitfalls. I have experienced a lot in my short time on this earth and a lot of it, I am not proud of. In order not to scare any family that may or may not know that much about me, I am not going to disclose some of the experiences, but it has made me so much stronger as a person. The funny thing about addiction is the expectation of perfection. An addict is far from perfect. I have relasped since I quit drinking. Thankfully, nothing was too bad or damaging and always limited to a day and not a binge like I used to go on. I used to always feel bad thinking about it, but then i remembered how hard addiction is to handle. If beating an addiction was easy and wasn’t full of struggles, then everyone would be able to do it and the world would have a lot less prisoners, homeless, and poor. For any of you out there having trouble quiting anything, don’t stop trying. There will be bumps in the road, all you can do is keep going forward. Don’t live in regret, take that time and energy and plan your future. ML

I’m watching Penn St. and Ohio St play today. I am rooting for old man Joe Paterno to have a great season. Go Nittany Lions!!!

Back from a week hiatus, it is time to get writing again. The title of this blog is from the movie “Fight Club” one of my personal favorites. It means a lot today, as one of the reasons I have been a hermit and not blogging, is because last week I lost my job. Some people might  react like I did at first, wondering how in the Hell I am going to survive in this Bush crappy economy, but for some reason, I am feeling at peace for the first time in a long time. First off, I had lost my great job due to in part to my past. The old alcoholic me had many bad habits. It isn’t long when you spend time in an booze induced coma, that your boss doesn’t find out. Especially when you are in charge of people. But I had cleaned up my act, but as any recovering alcoholic will tell you, people never forget the past. I always had that stigma attached to me. I always had people shaking my hand close to see if I smelled like cheap Vodka, I always had people checking my eyes to see if they could see their reflection because they were so glassy. So for starters, I am glad to be out of that prison of regret. For the first time in 10 years, I can start a new job with a clean slate. Looking back, since I started drinking, I have never gone to a drug screen NOT hung over. Can you believe that??

Second, if I am just a little lucky, I will get a job that has nothing to do with the retail industry. I am very good at that, but there is one problem. No one ever got into Heaven by selling TVs or cellphones. Part of what I hated about myself was the emptiness that I felt doing a job that helped no one but stock holders and myself. I applied to some off the wall places, like a 911 dispatch operator, and also the United States Secret Service. Believe it or not, I am qualified for both, but what a chance to help people. This all might have been a blessing in disguise after-all. Now if thanks to the Bush administration, there is nothing for me but retail, I will take it, since living out of a box asking for change won’t exactly pay for my car. But, the most important thing to me is two fold. One, I didn’t drink when I heard I lost my job. That was a HUGE trigger for me and 90% of me wanted to grab the biggest bottle I could, and go brain dead for a few days. Second, and mostly because of that sobriety, I am able to handle this situation with a clear head. God has funny ways of working and I believe that this may be one of them. I can truly get a new start and make some new relationships without the stigma of being someone’s drinking buddy, or that drunk that may or may not show up for work. In the past year and a half, I have lost everything. But now, I am at peace, because I am free to do anything. Not many people can say that, and I say it with a smile. The world doesn’t know anything yet about Mike. Like in another movie fav of mine  “Wait until they get a load of me…..ha ha ha….”

I was having a talk with one of the many people that I talk to since I started recovery, and I had a very good conversation about how people react to me now differently than a few months ago. The biggest difference is that I actually am aware how people react to me and treat me since I am not in an alcohol induced haze anymore. There is nothing more embarrassing for me than talking to someone and not realizing that they had told me something very important, that didn’t register in my head at the time, since a few billions brain cells were waving goodbye to the rest of my head. What it basically comes down to, and I am paraphrasing another person, that life is a big movie. We all have our scripts that we pick up, and that is how we play. Dropped into any random situation, we will continue to play our script the only way we know how. For the longest time, I was typecast. Like Al Pacino playing a mobster, I was the social screw up. People relied on me to basically be unreliable, and that is how I always viewed myself, and when push came to shove, I even went out of my way to play that, since it was easiest. Nowadays, I have my stuff together and many people are not knowing how to treat me. I have my bills paid, I have lost an enormous amount of weight, and I am much happier than I have ever been. Some people take me being happy as automatic sarcasm, and they can’t understand why I am happy, and sometimes even go to the length of trying to complain about things to get me to complain and be miserable, just like I used to. To all you folks out there struggling to get out of addiction, the challenge, and fun of watching people adapt to you after you have cleaned your life up, is incredible. I spent the last week buying clothes that I would have never bought a few months ago. I fit into a size pants that I haven’t fit into since high school, and I was so stoked, that I went out and spent a few hundred on expensive designer clothes. What I spent this last week, trumps the total monetary value of my waredrobe up until now. But you know what, that is money I would have spent on booze. Quiting the sauce not only helped me drop over 65lbs in a very short time, but it saved me a ton of money. I can also walk around the mall shopping for hours without sweating like I just got done jogging in a sauna. Just like actors, it is fun to play new parts. I don’t know how this will all end, but for the first time in years, I’m sharp, motivated, and love proving people wrong. Like my very wise brother once told me, I want to be “that guy” who kicked a terrible disease, and although I had every excuse in the world to drink, from family sickeness, to losing the love of my life and my puppy in the same day, I was able to rise up with a full heart…..and spend $120 on a pair of jeans……It is possible, and there is a major difference from the high feeling of forgetting your problems through drugs and alcohol, and the amazing feeling of eliminating your problems and facing adversity one on one, eye to eye, and rather than using booze to cover the pain of a shot…..throw the first punch and knock bad luck on it’s ass for once…..ML

Well, today was a very good day for me as I had a very favorable day in court. I am not going to get into the details, but as my brother said, there is something real about Karma. During my past drinking binges, when I would lie to everyone, drink myself stupid, and basically make dumb decisions, luck always seemed to go against me. I always felt sorry for myself, always thinking I was just unlucky or cursed, and usually, would talk myself into getting drunk again. Nowadays, I have been keeping the course, staying sober, taking care of myself, and it seems that my luck has changed. Maybe I am actually making my own luck. Today in court, something that really should not have happened, happened in my favor and I can only say that what I have done since my arrest must have helped. To anyone who gets any kind of alcohol related charge against them…..use that situation as a reason to turn your life around. As much as court has been a hassle, scary, and very very expensive, this whole experience has kept me on the right path. Every-time I go to court, and my officer that arrested me shows up, I get a chill down my spine, followed by an overwhelming sense of embarrassment and regret. I know that I am one of many many people that the officer has arrested and I am nothing more than a name and a mug shot on a report, but to me, that face with haunt me the rest of my life. Thankfully, it is the officer’s face I tremble around, and not the face of somebody that I could have hit or hurt, or killed. No amount of time in court, or no amount of fines could possibly be worse than knowing that I took a life. It took me 28 years to make my first major legal mistake, and I swore to myself, that after this is done, I will never step foot in a courtroom again because of something bad that I did. No craving or high is worth my soul.

 I wanted to start this blog with one of the cutest videos I have seen in a while. I am a HUGE animal lover, especially dogs, and this video is priceless. It’s amazing how smart Beagles, or at least this one is. I want to buy a dog so bad!! I miss my pug that I used to have, he was the best.

 Well, it’s playoff time and I just got done watching the White Sox lose the first game in Tampa Bay 6-4. I guess I am not that upset, the Sox had a crazy schedule with 3 must win games just to get to the playoffs and the Rays have the best record in all of baseball at home. Hopefully, the Sox can steal one game in Tampa and then bring it home. The game showed another crappy performance from Javier Vaszquez who seems to be in some incredible funk lately and can’t seem to keep the ball down and in the zone at the same time. When a rookie (Evan Longoria) gets consecutive home runs off you, it is time to take a break and rest that arm.

On a lighter note, I find myself watching the Cubs this year as well, just to see them lose. I laughed my butt of watching them drop game one at home. The funny part is, if the Sox get swept, I won’t be that upset because they weren’t suppossed to do much this year, AND they lost Carlos Quentin, the Cubs on the other hand (this is their year)!!! 100 years without a world series, a great team, all the Chicago love!!! HA!! I hate Cub fans. I would have paid good money to be a fly on the wall at Wrigley last night and if they lose today, wow. I found myself just watching ESPN highlights, just to look in the stands and see the reactions of the fans as that grand slam went out. Yes, I guess I have unresolved anger issues, but who cares, I hope the Cubs get swept and all those fans will spend another year crying in their beers, cursing Bartman and that dumb goat. Get over it you blue wearing snobs, your team just sucks.

On a serious note for those watching baseball and football during this time of year. Drink responsibly. Just because I have given up drinking, by no means am I preaching that the rest of the world does, but driving drunk is the dumbest thing you can do. Unfortunately, I have, got caught, and am paying for it. Luckily, I didn’t hurt anyone, or myself, but if I had, who knows where I would be now. I wouldn’t have been able to live with myself. For the record, people do not drive better drunk, .08 is only 4 beers for a normal person, and there is NO WAY to beat the breathalizer. The air comes from your lungs and the alcohol passing through your lung tissue and being registered in your breath. Getting caught, just driving, forget hitting anything or one, will cost you. If by any chance you do get in any legal trouble, DUI or otherwise, I have a link to my attorney. VERY GOOD!!! But the best way to get out of trouble is to stay out of it completely. Be safe everyone, and Go SOX!!!

Today I spent a short day at work pretty much being pissed off at the world. Some parts of recovery for me are so perplexing, the biggest being the mood swings that I feel. I guess that is part of being human and not the booze drinking vampire I was a few months ago. Just little things were getting me mad today, and when the Bears blew another 10 point lead to lose to the Bucs, it was time for me to go home before I said something to someone that I would have regretted. I have been working a lot lately and it will be nice to take some time off. I will talk more about the hapless Bears tomorrow. Today I wanted to write about a conversation that I had with my sponsor today. Part of recovery is talking to your sponsor when you are having a bad day. Some people are under the myth that you only call your sponsor when you are craving a drink. That is wrong, you want to relax before it gets to that point. But what we talked about is how ironic being an addict is. No matter how good I do at my job, I can still feel my employees look me up and down each day to ensure I am in the right frame of mind and sometimes they tell me to relax when I get a little worked up, like some customer is going to make me run to the bar and down a few Irish Car Bombs. It’s funny how people think that addicts can just stop on their own with no help. Lots of times, addicts think that as well. People, you can’t. There is a very very small amount of people that can stop cold turkey from their drug of choice, but some are MUCH harder than others. Heroin for instance, is almost too dangerous to stop cold turkey and you will need a stay in the hospital to stop from dying. Think about it, the numbers are against you. 90% of all diets in the United States fail. So of 100 people trying to lose weight, only 10 of them will. Food, chemically is not addictive. It doesn’t affect your brain, in the way booze does. Yet people can’t lose weight. Those same people will look down on an alcoholic or an addict, like we are weak.  How many people smoke? Tons. That is proven to kill you over time. The only real difference in my eyes between a drinker, heroin addict, smoker or binge eater, is that you can’t hurt anyone else if you get in a car full, and you don’t need a dealer to get a sandwich.

I find it funny these days how embarrassed people are about their addictions. Especially those who got help. You are not the only one. I can name at least 100 people I know that are functioning alcoholics, and I knew a few heavy cocaine addicts a while back. The main point I was talking to my sponsor about was how the 12 steps work with about anything. I think I might need to start another program to get off cherry sherbet. Although I lost about 50 lbs since I quit the sauce and am back looking like an athlete again, that stuff just gets me. :). But way more healthy than a 5th of Skol Vodka. The point is to anyone reading this, never be ashamed of who you are. You will never get past the addiction if you can’t forgive yourself. By no means am I 100% there yet, but it is a start. Everyone, I mean everyone, is hooked on something, somethings they just don’t have meetings for yet. Anyone reading this who avoids AA meetings because they are embarrassed, don’t be, you will thank yourself later. In many ways, the people of AA are more understanding than anyone. No matter what happens, you are always welcome back.  Anyone need advice or encouragement, feel free to contact me through my contact tab and I promise I will reply. It is a fight, but you are not alone……ever.

What is the hardest thing about being an addict?? Many people, including myself thought it was going to be the detox. For me, it was alcohol detox, the five days in the hospital, sweating, shaking, vomiting, generally feeling like I was going to die. The ironic part was, when you detox, for that little time, you feel sicker than you did when you were using. I never felt as bad drunk as I did when I was detoxing. My heart rate was sky high, I was having nightmares, and I lost my appetite.  But that really isn’t the hard part. They give you medicine like Adavant or Valium to control some of the DTs and withdrawl symptoms, so it doesn’t get that bad. The hardest part is the time after an addict detoxs. I think it is harder because you need to finally look at life through clear eyes. The rehab was easier than I thought. I am by nature, not a very social person, but I found it pretty easy to open up to total strangers. The hardest part for me, was two fold, the idea that I was not a pile of crap, and the feeling of failure. Most people feel great, like they accomplish something when they are sober for a while. I like to see what could have been, and it so depressing sometimes.

Today I got a very big suprise when someone I accidently heard talking about me like I was an anecdote and it crushed me. The good part about it was that something like this would have been a trigger for me, and I did what they explain in the Big Book and in meetings, I called some people, vented, called my sponser, and went to a meeting. The old me would have been half dead by now with a fifth of cheap vodka in my system. Unfortunately though, the meeting made me realize what I was trying to avoid. Who I was, as a person, is truly dead. I will never, ever be, what I was suppossed to be in other people’s eyes.  When people talk about me, sometimes they talk about having to “deal” with me, or having ”dealt” with me. ”This is how we/I dealt with Mike’s problem.” People have to “deal” with the dog pooping on the floor, people have to deal with car accidents, bad service, criminals, a bad experience, etc. Growing up, I never thought that I would be something or someone that had to be dealt with. Being dealt with is never a positive thing, but that is what I have become, and people say it without even thinking about it or know what they are saying. “You have an alcoholic that you know…. here is how I “dealt” with who I know…… this is how I stopped his sickness from infecting me.” It truly does suck, but it is a fact of life. Deal with life on life’s terms, is what they say in AA. That is something that I will have to learn the rest of my life, but I will always be an alcoholic in everyone’s eyes, maybe better, maybe recovering, but always that drunk, that will always have that stigma, always have people afraid that I am one drink from a bender. I will always be a story to someone. Men who are 25 years sober told me today that it is never the same, people will never treat you the same, especially the people close to you. Even 25 years after their last drink, their families, their friends, look down on them. That is why they still go to meetings, even 25 years later, just to feel normal and among friends. What a shock to me. I was hoping that someday this constant judgment of me and distrust would go away, but it probably won’t. Wow. But I guess that I am lucky in a way. I am free in ways that some people are not. I don’t need to worry about my status, or what car I drive, how good looking my girlfriend is, or what people think of me. Who cares what other people think of me now. Anyone that wants to judge me, will never understand the pain I have felt, the struggle of waking up and not knowing if I wanted to finish the day breathing, the constant self doubt and self destruction, and the thirst. A good day for me, what makes me happy, is to feel normal, to go through and not have a drink today. That means I won. The brotherhood of AA is special, we all have one goal, to stay alive, and to stay sober. That is a journey I need to walk myself, but as long as I can, at least one day at a time, I can feel happy and feel like I truly accomplished something great.ML

First off, I wanted to start this off with congratulating my brother on his big promotion that he received today. A very well deserved and hard earned promotion for a company that doesn’t take any prisoners, so CONGRATS!! For a real celebration, go down a few posts and see Techno Viking, he can tell you what is up.

 Good news today that the White Sox beat the Yankees and did not lose any ground to the Twins. I threw up a little bit when I heard that Carlos Zambrano threw a no hitter. I truly hope that is the most exciting thing that happens to the Cubs for the rest of this year, and the whole team comes down with a bad case of Shingles. : ) The Bears felt like laying an egg in the second half of the game this past Sunday and lost to the Panthers. The Bears will be in trouble this year, because of their lack of a deep passing game. If this were the 1920s and George Halas was set to run a play in his leather helmet, then I think the team would be Ok, but I don’t see them doing a whole lot. Also, Our Lord and Savior Devin Hester is hurt with a rib injury. I saw the play and someone must have hit him with an invisible bat, because he didn’t get hit on camera but was so hurt that apparently he couldn’t even walk to the trainer’s room for xrays.  Wow. I really hope the Bears have a good season, I need something to watch on Sunday.

 Well, OJ is in the news again. He is again on trail and facing life in prison for kidnapping, theft, armed robbery, etc. I guess murder wasn’t enough for him, he wanted the trifecta. I guess OJ wanted to make sure he was going to Hell when he dies, so he thought of kidnapping a man, rather than just slitting his throat. I have had trouble with the law in my time and am still pending some court dates, but wow, when you beat a murder rap where everyone and their mother knows you did it, then you go and commit another capital offense, well, he’s got some guts. Way more guts than brains. I hope OJ goes to jail for life and gets some psycho as his cellmate that beats his ass everyday. Then at least Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman can laugh up in Heaven.

Not a whole lot to write about as far as addiction goes, other than attending an open meeting tonight and it went well. It is interesting hearing stories that so mirror my own. It’s almost like alcoholics follow the same rules and do the same stupid things. Running away, going on benders, staying at hotels, DUIs, it’s almost like we follow some handbook. The good thing about AA is that we all found the light. Some sooner than others and that is a miracle. There isn’t one person in AA that didn’t hit the bottom before crawling up and that is why these meetings are so different than what anyone can imagine that doesn’t go regularly. Normal people look at these stories and cringe. For addicts, Hell was every day. Most people define success by the car they drive, the person they date or the money they make. For addicts, we are successful because we are alive, and we didn’t drink today. It’s a world of difference. ML

 Sorry I have been behind on my page, but it has been a incredibly hectic week at work. I have worked a 7 day week and I am about as worn out as possible, and this next week isn’t looking any better. I started the blog with one of my favorite remakes, Johnny Cash, covering “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails. It’s really a great song that the late Cash remakes with great emotion and also made an amazing video. Johnny Cash, who also battled multiple addictions, uses this song to reflect on his life. I love that song so much, because it makes me think to my past and all of the things that happened and how they were influenced by alcohol.  “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.” That verse reminds me of the daily cycle when I was at my heaviest abuse. Just coasting through the days, just getting happy about when I was going to have that other drink. Even though I knew it was killing me, it was the only thing I knew that was real, the only thing that would make me feel better, feel normal.

“What have i become? my sweetest friend, everyone i know, goes away in the end, you could have it all, my empire of dirt, i will let you down, i will make you hurt.” I always think of this verse. One of the things that still hurts me is losing the love of my life, and my puppy at the same time. There is no doubt in my mind at all, that my drinking was the biggest reason why she left me. It caused me to be a jerk, it caused me to fight, it was everything that was bad in me and it overshadowed anything good in me. I always say that I could count my friends on one hand, and that number has gone down since I quit drinking, as those friends only saw me as a drinking buddy. How many friends have I lost because I couldn’t put the bottle down, how much has my addiction pushed the limits of my own family. Almost everyone I’ve known, in the end, has gone away, because I have let them down, because I have made them hurt. When I think about losing my fiancee, maybe she was the smart one. She could have had it all, my empire, of what? Nothing, dirt. My whole life was consumed by hurt and stress, and magnified by the bottle. “if i could start again, a million miles away, i would keep myself, i would find a way”. Regret is the word for that verse. How much I would have changed if I could have done it again. But I can’t live in the past. What is done is done. I understand how cliche it is to write, quoting lines from a song, but rarely does one so accurately describe my feelings, and not in a teenager, “I’m pissed at the world” kind of way, but I can relate to what he went through.  Maybe that is why Johnny Cash always wore black, he dressed like he was going to a funeral. Every addict wants the pain to go away, we all think about our own funerals. Someone once said that a measure of a person isn’t how much money he makes, or what they’re worth, but it is the amount of tears that are shed when they die. Other than my family and the shareholders of Skol Vodka, I don’t think there would be too many. But that is what the future holds? Who can I influence now with a clean slate and a fresh mind? What mark will I make on the world. I have a new vision of my addiction. No longer do I look at myself like some pariah or monster. I look at myself as allergic to alcohol, like someone allergic to shellfish or peanuts. It’s something I can’t have, or I will die. I am still a human, with lots to offer, I’m not just a drinking buddy anymore.

 On a sadder note, RIP to Evan Tanner, a favorite MMA fighter of mine. He died during a journey to the desert and some bad circumstances. He was also a recovering alcoholic, but a great influence on an up and coming sport, and a class act. In a time when most athletes have rap sheets, shoot roids, or beat their wives, Tanner was a great man, with lots of demons. At least he is at peace now, training his wrestling up with the Lord.

Go Bears, (I was totally wrong about the 21 point blowout last week), Go Sox, and please let the flooding somehow ruin Wrigley Field so they have to tear it down. ML

Today was the day of my DUI evaluation or should I say “you’re a freaking idiot” evaluation. It didn’t go as bad as I thought it would go, and I was very honest. I have a lot to be proud of since that fateful day that I was a moron, so it wasn’t so hard to talk about what happened and what I have done since then. Still, it’s always like a kick in the pants and embarrassing. All I can say is thank God that nothing worse happened and it’s over. There is not much to talk about today in the world of sports other than the Giants beat the Redskins. Yeah, that was exciting. Didn’t seem like a very riviting game other than the few times I got to see Eli Manning get hit. I was hoping that the starter from Washington would get tired, because I love watching his backup, Hawaii grad Colt Brennen play. Mark my words, Brennen will be a stud someday. He has a rocket for an arm and he can run. He played the preseaon like a grizzled pro and I can only pray to the football Gods that he ends up with the Bears one day. He has more talent in his little toe than Orton and Grossman have put together. But, as a Bears fan, I am sure I will die, never seeing a quality all-star quarterback taking snaps. What would I expect from a franchise who’s last kiss ass QB was Sid Luckman?

 Today was an interesting day for me as I was very busy at work and scared to death about my evaluation. Luckily, my brother came by and was able to calm me down a bit, and by the way, good luck bro, you deserve that spot….. So I don’t have much to write about today unless people would like to hear about the ins and out of the world of wireless technology. I like the idea of adding youtube clips to my blog, as it is something cool to watch after reading a ton, and usually I try to pick something funny. I picked this highlight today for a couple of reasons. This highlight is of a MMA fight involving  Kazushi Sakuraba, a favorite MMA fighter of mine. He makes an amazing comeback from getting his butt kicked to win. It is an amazing thing to watch although very brutal. The song playing is from the band Vicious Traditions and I love this highlight as it shows what some tenacity and heart can do. I love the middle where the voice says “I will not die today.” Any addict that is trying to get normal again, says that in one way or another. They always say one day at a time, and that is true. Every human being fights death. An addict has the unique challenge of fighting death from an unlikely source, themselves. We not only have to fight against bad health, getting hit in a car, old age, whatever, we fight that ticking time bomb which is our addiction, that little demon on our shoulder, telling us to give up, that it will be Ok, that it will only be one drink. That little demon wants us to die. That little demon is ourselves. The part of us that wants to self destruct. That is what people don’t understand when they look at an addict. We fight stereotypes, financial, legal, relationship trouble, but the one constant, the one person that should want us to live, ourself, wants us to die sometimes. That’s when it’s time to push back, and tell everyone, our critics, our enemies, the bottle, the drug, and most importantly that bit of ourself that wants to hurt, No, I will not die today. ML

Today was the second day of two consecutive days off and it was a pretty good day today. Hopefully it will end better with the White Sox getting a win and as of right now, the Cubs losing their 5th in a row. I’m sorry, but I am a Cub hater. Always was, always will be and although that might make me unpopular, I don’t care. I don’t care if they win the world series, I will have to be buried six feet under before I ever put on a Cubs hat. I hear that Big Z is going to get an MRI to get his arm checked out. Personally, I think they should CT his head, because I think that man is nuts. Only a nut would kick the hell out of his catcher, admonish his own fans for booing a poor outing of his, and well, all the other crazy stuff he does season after season. I don’t think there is anything wrong with him that can’t be fixed with a lobotomy and some Valium. But, as a Sox fan and Cub hater, I hope they find some terrible tear in his shoulder that will require career ending surgery. Below the belt you say? He could retire today and never have to work another day in his life. So all you people who think I’m mean, go ask Big Z for loan and see what he says. In other news, current UFC champion Randy Coutre is making his return to the octagon to face former WWE champion Brock Lesnar. What makes this so interesting is that Coutre will be turning 46 and Lesnar is a freak of nature at 280lbs of pure muscle. I hope Coutre wins convincingly, because I think all of those wannabe fighters from the WWE need a lesson in reality. Also, it’s nice to see an old man kick ass. I’m not even sure I’ll live to be 46, yet this man is competing in combat sports. Wow. Good luck Randy. If he wins, hopefully Dana White (the prez of UFC) can sign Fedor, and have a dream match-up. I am almost sure the “Last Emperor of Russia” will beat Coutre, but it will be a great fight, one I would consider coughing up the insane price for PPV.

 The last two days have been hectic from the personal side of things from meetings, continuing care, and now my evaluation, which I take tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it, but that is the bed I made for myself and I have to lie in it. I realized today that I stopped counting the days sober. When I first heard of people doing that, I thought they were nuts, but now I realize why. There is no prize at the end of the journey. Once I hit 365 days, I don’t get some treasure or some lottery ticket. When I go to meetings I meet people that have been sober for 20 years. That’s 7300 days. I don’t plan on ever counting that high unless I am counting money. I realized that although I need to make sobriety important, I can’t make it all that is me. I see people who do nothing but go to AA, rehab, counseling, etc. Although I know it is a never ending battle, the whole goal of quiting drinking was getting my life back to sanity and being a normal person again. Contrary to popular belief, an addict is not a monster, or a pariah. We just are chemically dependant. Take away the chemical, which is a struggle, but we are people, that bleed red just like anyone else. I am so sick of thinking of myself as a freak. By no means can I ever stop thinking about it and working at it, but it doesn’t have to be all that I am. I’m Mike, and I’m an alcoholic, but, I am a brother, a son, an employee, and friend, and hopefully someday a husband and a dad. I have talents, I know what I am, and what I need to do. Sometimes at meetings people just stop at alcoholic, and they never realize how much more than can be sober.

 Since I have found how to implant youtube videos into my blog, I got another request at a laugh. This video is supposedly of open tryouts for a kung fu movie, and these are some of the outtakes of the ones that didn’t make it. This also makes me laugh. These guys never lose…….ML