Sep 14 2008
Everyone I know, goes away in the end….
Sorry I have been behind on my page, but it has been a incredibly hectic week at work. I have worked a 7 day week and I am about as worn out as possible, and this next week isn’t looking any better. I started the blog with one of my favorite remakes, Johnny Cash, covering “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails. It’s really a great song that the late Cash remakes with great emotion and also made an amazing video. Johnny Cash, who also battled multiple addictions, uses this song to reflect on his life. I love that song so much, because it makes me think to my past and all of the things that happened and how they were influenced by alcohol. “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.” That verse reminds me of the daily cycle when I was at my heaviest abuse. Just coasting through the days, just getting happy about when I was going to have that other drink. Even though I knew it was killing me, it was the only thing I knew that was real, the only thing that would make me feel better, feel normal.
“What have i become? my sweetest friend, everyone i know, goes away in the end, you could have it all, my empire of dirt, i will let you down, i will make you hurt.” I always think of this verse. One of the things that still hurts me is losing the love of my life, and my puppy at the same time. There is no doubt in my mind at all, that my drinking was the biggest reason why she left me. It caused me to be a jerk, it caused me to fight, it was everything that was bad in me and it overshadowed anything good in me. I always say that I could count my friends on one hand, and that number has gone down since I quit drinking, as those friends only saw me as a drinking buddy. How many friends have I lost because I couldn’t put the bottle down, how much has my addiction pushed the limits of my own family. Almost everyone I’ve known, in the end, has gone away, because I have let them down, because I have made them hurt. When I think about losing my fiancee, maybe she was the smart one. She could have had it all, my empire, of what? Nothing, dirt. My whole life was consumed by hurt and stress, and magnified by the bottle. “if i could start again, a million miles away, i would keep myself, i would find a way”. Regret is the word for that verse. How much I would have changed if I could have done it again. But I can’t live in the past. What is done is done. I understand how cliche it is to write, quoting lines from a song, but rarely does one so accurately describe my feelings, and not in a teenager, “I’m pissed at the world” kind of way, but I can relate to what he went through. Maybe that is why Johnny Cash always wore black, he dressed like he was going to a funeral. Every addict wants the pain to go away, we all think about our own funerals. Someone once said that a measure of a person isn’t how much money he makes, or what they’re worth, but it is the amount of tears that are shed when they die. Other than my family and the shareholders of Skol Vodka, I don’t think there would be too many. But that is what the future holds? Who can I influence now with a clean slate and a fresh mind? What mark will I make on the world. I have a new vision of my addiction. No longer do I look at myself like some pariah or monster. I look at myself as allergic to alcohol, like someone allergic to shellfish or peanuts. It’s something I can’t have, or I will die. I am still a human, with lots to offer, I’m not just a drinking buddy anymore.
On a sadder note, RIP to Evan Tanner, a favorite MMA fighter of mine. He died during a journey to the desert and some bad circumstances. He was also a recovering alcoholic, but a great influence on an up and coming sport, and a class act. In a time when most athletes have rap sheets, shoot roids, or beat their wives, Tanner was a great man, with lots of demons. At least he is at peace now, training his wrestling up with the Lord.
Go Bears, (I was totally wrong about the 21 point blowout last week), Go Sox, and please let the flooding somehow ruin Wrigley Field so they have to tear it down.
ML
