Twelve Step Sports Addict

Today I spent a short day at work pretty much being pissed off at the world. Some parts of recovery for me are so perplexing, the biggest being the mood swings that I feel. I guess that is part of being human and not the booze drinking vampire I was a few months ago. Just little things were getting me mad today, and when the Bears blew another 10 point lead to lose to the Bucs, it was time for me to go home before I said something to someone that I would have regretted. I have been working a lot lately and it will be nice to take some time off. I will talk more about the hapless Bears tomorrow. Today I wanted to write about a conversation that I had with my sponsor today. Part of recovery is talking to your sponsor when you are having a bad day. Some people are under the myth that you only call your sponsor when you are craving a drink. That is wrong, you want to relax before it gets to that point. But what we talked about is how ironic being an addict is. No matter how good I do at my job, I can still feel my employees look me up and down each day to ensure I am in the right frame of mind and sometimes they tell me to relax when I get a little worked up, like some customer is going to make me run to the bar and down a few Irish Car Bombs. It’s funny how people think that addicts can just stop on their own with no help. Lots of times, addicts think that as well. People, you can’t. There is a very very small amount of people that can stop cold turkey from their drug of choice, but some are MUCH harder than others. Heroin for instance, is almost too dangerous to stop cold turkey and you will need a stay in the hospital to stop from dying. Think about it, the numbers are against you. 90% of all diets in the United States fail. So of 100 people trying to lose weight, only 10 of them will. Food, chemically is not addictive. It doesn’t affect your brain, in the way booze does. Yet people can’t lose weight. Those same people will look down on an alcoholic or an addict, like we are weak.  How many people smoke? Tons. That is proven to kill you over time. The only real difference in my eyes between a drinker, heroin addict, smoker or binge eater, is that you can’t hurt anyone else if you get in a car full, and you don’t need a dealer to get a sandwich.

I find it funny these days how embarrassed people are about their addictions. Especially those who got help. You are not the only one. I can name at least 100 people I know that are functioning alcoholics, and I knew a few heavy cocaine addicts a while back. The main point I was talking to my sponsor about was how the 12 steps work with about anything. I think I might need to start another program to get off cherry sherbet. Although I lost about 50 lbs since I quit the sauce and am back looking like an athlete again, that stuff just gets me. :). But way more healthy than a 5th of Skol Vodka. The point is to anyone reading this, never be ashamed of who you are. You will never get past the addiction if you can’t forgive yourself. By no means am I 100% there yet, but it is a start. Everyone, I mean everyone, is hooked on something, somethings they just don’t have meetings for yet. Anyone reading this who avoids AA meetings because they are embarrassed, don’t be, you will thank yourself later. In many ways, the people of AA are more understanding than anyone. No matter what happens, you are always welcome back.  Anyone need advice or encouragement, feel free to contact me through my contact tab and I promise I will reply. It is a fight, but you are not alone……ever.

What is the hardest thing about being an addict?? Many people, including myself thought it was going to be the detox. For me, it was alcohol detox, the five days in the hospital, sweating, shaking, vomiting, generally feeling like I was going to die. The ironic part was, when you detox, for that little time, you feel sicker than you did when you were using. I never felt as bad drunk as I did when I was detoxing. My heart rate was sky high, I was having nightmares, and I lost my appetite.  But that really isn’t the hard part. They give you medicine like Adavant or Valium to control some of the DTs and withdrawl symptoms, so it doesn’t get that bad. The hardest part is the time after an addict detoxs. I think it is harder because you need to finally look at life through clear eyes. The rehab was easier than I thought. I am by nature, not a very social person, but I found it pretty easy to open up to total strangers. The hardest part for me, was two fold, the idea that I was not a pile of crap, and the feeling of failure. Most people feel great, like they accomplish something when they are sober for a while. I like to see what could have been, and it so depressing sometimes.

Today I got a very big suprise when someone I accidently heard talking about me like I was an anecdote and it crushed me. The good part about it was that something like this would have been a trigger for me, and I did what they explain in the Big Book and in meetings, I called some people, vented, called my sponser, and went to a meeting. The old me would have been half dead by now with a fifth of cheap vodka in my system. Unfortunately though, the meeting made me realize what I was trying to avoid. Who I was, as a person, is truly dead. I will never, ever be, what I was suppossed to be in other people’s eyes.  When people talk about me, sometimes they talk about having to “deal” with me, or having ”dealt” with me. ”This is how we/I dealt with Mike’s problem.” People have to “deal” with the dog pooping on the floor, people have to deal with car accidents, bad service, criminals, a bad experience, etc. Growing up, I never thought that I would be something or someone that had to be dealt with. Being dealt with is never a positive thing, but that is what I have become, and people say it without even thinking about it or know what they are saying. “You have an alcoholic that you know…. here is how I “dealt” with who I know…… this is how I stopped his sickness from infecting me.” It truly does suck, but it is a fact of life. Deal with life on life’s terms, is what they say in AA. That is something that I will have to learn the rest of my life, but I will always be an alcoholic in everyone’s eyes, maybe better, maybe recovering, but always that drunk, that will always have that stigma, always have people afraid that I am one drink from a bender. I will always be a story to someone. Men who are 25 years sober told me today that it is never the same, people will never treat you the same, especially the people close to you. Even 25 years after their last drink, their families, their friends, look down on them. That is why they still go to meetings, even 25 years later, just to feel normal and among friends. What a shock to me. I was hoping that someday this constant judgment of me and distrust would go away, but it probably won’t. Wow. But I guess that I am lucky in a way. I am free in ways that some people are not. I don’t need to worry about my status, or what car I drive, how good looking my girlfriend is, or what people think of me. Who cares what other people think of me now. Anyone that wants to judge me, will never understand the pain I have felt, the struggle of waking up and not knowing if I wanted to finish the day breathing, the constant self doubt and self destruction, and the thirst. A good day for me, what makes me happy, is to feel normal, to go through and not have a drink today. That means I won. The brotherhood of AA is special, we all have one goal, to stay alive, and to stay sober. That is a journey I need to walk myself, but as long as I can, at least one day at a time, I can feel happy and feel like I truly accomplished something great.ML

First off, I wanted to start this off with congratulating my brother on his big promotion that he received today. A very well deserved and hard earned promotion for a company that doesn’t take any prisoners, so CONGRATS!! For a real celebration, go down a few posts and see Techno Viking, he can tell you what is up.

 Good news today that the White Sox beat the Yankees and did not lose any ground to the Twins. I threw up a little bit when I heard that Carlos Zambrano threw a no hitter. I truly hope that is the most exciting thing that happens to the Cubs for the rest of this year, and the whole team comes down with a bad case of Shingles. : ) The Bears felt like laying an egg in the second half of the game this past Sunday and lost to the Panthers. The Bears will be in trouble this year, because of their lack of a deep passing game. If this were the 1920s and George Halas was set to run a play in his leather helmet, then I think the team would be Ok, but I don’t see them doing a whole lot. Also, Our Lord and Savior Devin Hester is hurt with a rib injury. I saw the play and someone must have hit him with an invisible bat, because he didn’t get hit on camera but was so hurt that apparently he couldn’t even walk to the trainer’s room for xrays.  Wow. I really hope the Bears have a good season, I need something to watch on Sunday.

 Well, OJ is in the news again. He is again on trail and facing life in prison for kidnapping, theft, armed robbery, etc. I guess murder wasn’t enough for him, he wanted the trifecta. I guess OJ wanted to make sure he was going to Hell when he dies, so he thought of kidnapping a man, rather than just slitting his throat. I have had trouble with the law in my time and am still pending some court dates, but wow, when you beat a murder rap where everyone and their mother knows you did it, then you go and commit another capital offense, well, he’s got some guts. Way more guts than brains. I hope OJ goes to jail for life and gets some psycho as his cellmate that beats his ass everyday. Then at least Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman can laugh up in Heaven.

Not a whole lot to write about as far as addiction goes, other than attending an open meeting tonight and it went well. It is interesting hearing stories that so mirror my own. It’s almost like alcoholics follow the same rules and do the same stupid things. Running away, going on benders, staying at hotels, DUIs, it’s almost like we follow some handbook. The good thing about AA is that we all found the light. Some sooner than others and that is a miracle. There isn’t one person in AA that didn’t hit the bottom before crawling up and that is why these meetings are so different than what anyone can imagine that doesn’t go regularly. Normal people look at these stories and cringe. For addicts, Hell was every day. Most people define success by the car they drive, the person they date or the money they make. For addicts, we are successful because we are alive, and we didn’t drink today. It’s a world of difference. ML

 Sorry I have been behind on my page, but it has been a incredibly hectic week at work. I have worked a 7 day week and I am about as worn out as possible, and this next week isn’t looking any better. I started the blog with one of my favorite remakes, Johnny Cash, covering “Hurt” by Nine Inch Nails. It’s really a great song that the late Cash remakes with great emotion and also made an amazing video. Johnny Cash, who also battled multiple addictions, uses this song to reflect on his life. I love that song so much, because it makes me think to my past and all of the things that happened and how they were influenced by alcohol.  “I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real.” That verse reminds me of the daily cycle when I was at my heaviest abuse. Just coasting through the days, just getting happy about when I was going to have that other drink. Even though I knew it was killing me, it was the only thing I knew that was real, the only thing that would make me feel better, feel normal.

“What have i become? my sweetest friend, everyone i know, goes away in the end, you could have it all, my empire of dirt, i will let you down, i will make you hurt.” I always think of this verse. One of the things that still hurts me is losing the love of my life, and my puppy at the same time. There is no doubt in my mind at all, that my drinking was the biggest reason why she left me. It caused me to be a jerk, it caused me to fight, it was everything that was bad in me and it overshadowed anything good in me. I always say that I could count my friends on one hand, and that number has gone down since I quit drinking, as those friends only saw me as a drinking buddy. How many friends have I lost because I couldn’t put the bottle down, how much has my addiction pushed the limits of my own family. Almost everyone I’ve known, in the end, has gone away, because I have let them down, because I have made them hurt. When I think about losing my fiancee, maybe she was the smart one. She could have had it all, my empire, of what? Nothing, dirt. My whole life was consumed by hurt and stress, and magnified by the bottle. “if i could start again, a million miles away, i would keep myself, i would find a way”. Regret is the word for that verse. How much I would have changed if I could have done it again. But I can’t live in the past. What is done is done. I understand how cliche it is to write, quoting lines from a song, but rarely does one so accurately describe my feelings, and not in a teenager, “I’m pissed at the world” kind of way, but I can relate to what he went through.  Maybe that is why Johnny Cash always wore black, he dressed like he was going to a funeral. Every addict wants the pain to go away, we all think about our own funerals. Someone once said that a measure of a person isn’t how much money he makes, or what they’re worth, but it is the amount of tears that are shed when they die. Other than my family and the shareholders of Skol Vodka, I don’t think there would be too many. But that is what the future holds? Who can I influence now with a clean slate and a fresh mind? What mark will I make on the world. I have a new vision of my addiction. No longer do I look at myself like some pariah or monster. I look at myself as allergic to alcohol, like someone allergic to shellfish or peanuts. It’s something I can’t have, or I will die. I am still a human, with lots to offer, I’m not just a drinking buddy anymore.

 On a sadder note, RIP to Evan Tanner, a favorite MMA fighter of mine. He died during a journey to the desert and some bad circumstances. He was also a recovering alcoholic, but a great influence on an up and coming sport, and a class act. In a time when most athletes have rap sheets, shoot roids, or beat their wives, Tanner was a great man, with lots of demons. At least he is at peace now, training his wrestling up with the Lord.

Go Bears, (I was totally wrong about the 21 point blowout last week), Go Sox, and please let the flooding somehow ruin Wrigley Field so they have to tear it down. ML

Today was the day of my DUI evaluation or should I say “you’re a freaking idiot” evaluation. It didn’t go as bad as I thought it would go, and I was very honest. I have a lot to be proud of since that fateful day that I was a moron, so it wasn’t so hard to talk about what happened and what I have done since then. Still, it’s always like a kick in the pants and embarrassing. All I can say is thank God that nothing worse happened and it’s over. There is not much to talk about today in the world of sports other than the Giants beat the Redskins. Yeah, that was exciting. Didn’t seem like a very riviting game other than the few times I got to see Eli Manning get hit. I was hoping that the starter from Washington would get tired, because I love watching his backup, Hawaii grad Colt Brennen play. Mark my words, Brennen will be a stud someday. He has a rocket for an arm and he can run. He played the preseaon like a grizzled pro and I can only pray to the football Gods that he ends up with the Bears one day. He has more talent in his little toe than Orton and Grossman have put together. But, as a Bears fan, I am sure I will die, never seeing a quality all-star quarterback taking snaps. What would I expect from a franchise who’s last kiss ass QB was Sid Luckman?

 Today was an interesting day for me as I was very busy at work and scared to death about my evaluation. Luckily, my brother came by and was able to calm me down a bit, and by the way, good luck bro, you deserve that spot….. So I don’t have much to write about today unless people would like to hear about the ins and out of the world of wireless technology. I like the idea of adding youtube clips to my blog, as it is something cool to watch after reading a ton, and usually I try to pick something funny. I picked this highlight today for a couple of reasons. This highlight is of a MMA fight involving  Kazushi Sakuraba, a favorite MMA fighter of mine. He makes an amazing comeback from getting his butt kicked to win. It is an amazing thing to watch although very brutal. The song playing is from the band Vicious Traditions and I love this highlight as it shows what some tenacity and heart can do. I love the middle where the voice says “I will not die today.” Any addict that is trying to get normal again, says that in one way or another. They always say one day at a time, and that is true. Every human being fights death. An addict has the unique challenge of fighting death from an unlikely source, themselves. We not only have to fight against bad health, getting hit in a car, old age, whatever, we fight that ticking time bomb which is our addiction, that little demon on our shoulder, telling us to give up, that it will be Ok, that it will only be one drink. That little demon wants us to die. That little demon is ourselves. The part of us that wants to self destruct. That is what people don’t understand when they look at an addict. We fight stereotypes, financial, legal, relationship trouble, but the one constant, the one person that should want us to live, ourself, wants us to die sometimes. That’s when it’s time to push back, and tell everyone, our critics, our enemies, the bottle, the drug, and most importantly that bit of ourself that wants to hurt, No, I will not die today. ML

Today was the second day of two consecutive days off and it was a pretty good day today. Hopefully it will end better with the White Sox getting a win and as of right now, the Cubs losing their 5th in a row. I’m sorry, but I am a Cub hater. Always was, always will be and although that might make me unpopular, I don’t care. I don’t care if they win the world series, I will have to be buried six feet under before I ever put on a Cubs hat. I hear that Big Z is going to get an MRI to get his arm checked out. Personally, I think they should CT his head, because I think that man is nuts. Only a nut would kick the hell out of his catcher, admonish his own fans for booing a poor outing of his, and well, all the other crazy stuff he does season after season. I don’t think there is anything wrong with him that can’t be fixed with a lobotomy and some Valium. But, as a Sox fan and Cub hater, I hope they find some terrible tear in his shoulder that will require career ending surgery. Below the belt you say? He could retire today and never have to work another day in his life. So all you people who think I’m mean, go ask Big Z for loan and see what he says. In other news, current UFC champion Randy Coutre is making his return to the octagon to face former WWE champion Brock Lesnar. What makes this so interesting is that Coutre will be turning 46 and Lesnar is a freak of nature at 280lbs of pure muscle. I hope Coutre wins convincingly, because I think all of those wannabe fighters from the WWE need a lesson in reality. Also, it’s nice to see an old man kick ass. I’m not even sure I’ll live to be 46, yet this man is competing in combat sports. Wow. Good luck Randy. If he wins, hopefully Dana White (the prez of UFC) can sign Fedor, and have a dream match-up. I am almost sure the “Last Emperor of Russia” will beat Coutre, but it will be a great fight, one I would consider coughing up the insane price for PPV.

 The last two days have been hectic from the personal side of things from meetings, continuing care, and now my evaluation, which I take tomorrow. I am not looking forward to it, but that is the bed I made for myself and I have to lie in it. I realized today that I stopped counting the days sober. When I first heard of people doing that, I thought they were nuts, but now I realize why. There is no prize at the end of the journey. Once I hit 365 days, I don’t get some treasure or some lottery ticket. When I go to meetings I meet people that have been sober for 20 years. That’s 7300 days. I don’t plan on ever counting that high unless I am counting money. I realized that although I need to make sobriety important, I can’t make it all that is me. I see people who do nothing but go to AA, rehab, counseling, etc. Although I know it is a never ending battle, the whole goal of quiting drinking was getting my life back to sanity and being a normal person again. Contrary to popular belief, an addict is not a monster, or a pariah. We just are chemically dependant. Take away the chemical, which is a struggle, but we are people, that bleed red just like anyone else. I am so sick of thinking of myself as a freak. By no means can I ever stop thinking about it and working at it, but it doesn’t have to be all that I am. I’m Mike, and I’m an alcoholic, but, I am a brother, a son, an employee, and friend, and hopefully someday a husband and a dad. I have talents, I know what I am, and what I need to do. Sometimes at meetings people just stop at alcoholic, and they never realize how much more than can be sober.

 Since I have found how to implant youtube videos into my blog, I got another request at a laugh. This video is supposedly of open tryouts for a kung fu movie, and these are some of the outtakes of the ones that didn’t make it. This also makes me laugh. These guys never lose…….ML

I have been a little nervous about this Labor Day, and now that it is almost over, I must say that I am happy. No urges today or anything. I think back to last Labor Day, getting smashed beyond recognition, alone. It’s not like I needed the actual holiday for an excuse, it just seemed to fit better in my head and didn’t make me feel like such an addict if I could justify or rationalize it somehow. I think back to all those drinks that I used to down. I got pretty bad towards the end. I started out just like any other drinker, downing beers, wine, the usual. Then the hard liquor started as my tolerance started to get bigger. Then it was rotgut Vodka that could start a small car. I am always amazed by the human body, but in that respect, I think the Lord forgot to cross a T. Drugs kill you, one way or another, they WILL kill you, yet your body adapts and lets you drink or snort more, until you feel it. So naturally, you do more damage as time goes on, to get the same effect. So, in a way, you get better at killing yourself as time goes on.

 I read an article today about how Lake County wants to start banning smoking in private residences. Wow. I am not a smoker, I dabbled, and quit, but if someone wants to smoke in their own house, so be it. I understand second hand smoke kills “other” people, but if someone wants to inhale cancer, be my guest. It is our rights as humans, what we want to do to our bodies. Why don’t they ban booze, fast food, knives, violent TV, anything that would be bad for us? They already make us wear seat belts. If I feel like flying through a window, then that is how I want to go out. A cop will hide behind a toll both and ticket people for seat belts, but they let motorcycle riders do wheelies, and wear nothing more than sunglasses. Why not ban motorcycles? If you crash on one of those, you are lucky if you survive. As I am getting older, I am amazed by how messed up the world is getting, and how much control people are losing over their own lives, it actually is starting to scare me a bit. Maybe it truly is now, I am looking at life through sober eyes, but I have to laugh about a lot of this. Yeah, let’s send 18 year olds, fresh out of high school to Iraq to get blown to pieces by IEDs, but we are gonna arrest someone for lighting up in their own house. Crazy.

 Well, long live the Viking!! When I told my brother that I was writing a blog, he made me promise to have one about one of our favorite youtube videos. I don’t understand how this isn’t as popular as the Nuna Nuna kid, Chocolate Rain, or my favorite,  sneezing Panda, but I laugh my butt off everytime I see this. In honor of my brother, I bring you Techno Viking. (At the very least, this will make you smile because it is so demented )

Also, to Mr. L, your wife is in my prayers. God Bless and good luck. ML