Twelve Step Sports Addict

After a absolutely terrible day at work today, I was happy to see that the White Sox got a win against Boston. About friggin time!! Also very glad to see that Jim Thome tied Mickey Mantle on the all-time home run list. Good for him. Jim Thome seems like the nicest and most respected guy in all of baseball. It’s nice to see an athlete hit a major milestone without the suspicion of steroids or HGH or whatever else these knuckleheads are injecting into their bodies. Also, I heard today that Peyton Manning will play on Sunday against the Bears. Damn. I really hope Lovie was holding back this preseason and he is going to pull some David Blaine like trick and the real Bears team arrives in Indy and Lovie can say that, they just sucked to fool everyone. But I doubt it.

 With this being Labor Day weekend, I have been doing a lot of thinking about alcoholism. It’s kind of hard not to, seeing every cop and their mother out on patrol looking for DUIs, and the horrible flashback of myself being in the back of a patrol car. That aside, I started to really think why. Why did I drink, why do addicts use?? I am sure there are lots of reasons and let’s for a minute forget about the chemical dependency part. Yes, nicotine, alcohol, heroin, all that stuff gets in your blood and you crave it and then you detox. But that is far from it. If that was the case, people wouldn’t relapse. I thought about it hard and long, and I really do think that I drank just to be happy. I am happy when I drink. At least during the act. The next day is full of regrets, headaches, regrettable phone calls, and that feeling of worthlessness. But when I drink, that period between starting and when I passed out, I was everything I am not in real life. I am confident, funny, calm, stress free, talkative, and reflective.

I am naturally pretty anti-social. I don’t even like ordering pizza over the phone, but when I was buzzed, I would talk someone’s ear off. I think it is that way for lots of addicts. Most of us, spend a majority of our time miserable for one reason or another. I personally am filled with regret. What could have been…. even as friends read my blog”you should have been a writer”; Yeah, I know. When I drink, I forget the heartache of losing a fiancee, my puppy, I forget the stress of work….I am truly, for that little bit of time, feel happy. Ever sit in an rehab meeting with recovering addicts?? They are not a happy bunch. EVERY ONE of them have some deep seeded emotional problem. I drank sometimes just to fall asleep without having to remember my dreams. I have nightmares almost every night. Some are too violent to repeat. I would love to bring Sigmund Freud back to life and talk to him about that for hours, but my Freud was a bottle.

For an addict, the drug made us feel normal. It sure made me feel normal. I don’t have many friends (stemming from my not being very social), but if you think of it, at the time, booze was the perfect friend. It was cheap, always around, never judged me, never nagged me, never lied, never left, never fought, in a way, it always said the right things, because I always felt great, and figuratively speaking, it always came back. Unfortunately, while that friend was doing that, it was kicking the living snot out of me as well. Killed my liver, heart, made me gain weight, and I am sure killed a few billion brain cells. Now that I am sober, I am finding other small ways to be happy. I get so jealous of people that are happy. They walk around with a smile all day, I want to kick them in the teeth. That’s a trigger for me.  I see it all the time with people in the mall, they don’t have a pot to piss in, but they are smiling.

Every person deals with things that make them depressed, unfortunately, us addicts found our drugs before we did other things and then the vicious cycle started. We know what we did was wrong, and we hate ourselves for it. How do we stop hating ourselves, take a drink, or a hit. The worse I feel, the more I want to drink. This war is not just against alcohol. In fact, it really isn’t against a drug at all. The doctors cured me of that when I detoxed, this war is against myself.  People look down on addicts like we used because we were selfish, or were trying just to have fun. In many cases that is true. Some addicts just used to feel normal again, and for that little time, feel at peace. I didn’t have fun drinking. It just made me feel like I was what I wanted to be. The only problem is, IT wanted me dead. I’m trying to find happiness every day, and I hope it’s out there somewhere.  People think addicts are selfish, no, the recovering addict has to be selfish, they need to find their own happiness, without that “perfect friend” whispering failed promises in their ears. It’s a hard journey, but one we all must walk, and there is a treasure, it might just take some time to find. ML

Well, not a whole lot going on so far to start out this Labor Day weekend. I will comment on how scared I am that my beloved White Sox are picking the worst time in the world to play like garbage. This is the time of year where every starter needs an “ace” performance, but that is not happening by any stretch of the imagination. It will be a tough road the rest of the way and any one who says they like how close the race is, is nuts. I would be much happier if the Sox were 10 games up now and could coast into the post season. Realistically, if the Sox don’t make it, I have little to no teams to cheer for this next couple months. The Bears I think would have trouble beating some college teams, Notre Dame looks to have another dismal year, and that is really it until basketball season. At least the Celtics will have the base for a quality team to defend their title next year.

 Labor Day is a fun holiday for most, but for a recovering alcoholic, Monday represents yet another reminder that I am different from everyone else. I was getting my hair cut and the person cutting it asked what I was doing to Labor Day and asked if I was going to a barbeque and getting hammered. Nope. I think of how many functioning alcoholics will be out there getting smashed, driving drunk, having a great friggin time, never admitting that they have a problem. Holidays like this, are  excuses for the “normals” to be addicts. I am an alcoholic, but I don’t plan on days to get drunk, but people all over the US will on Monday. Yet I’m the one they look down at. People wonder why addicts are resentful sometimes, weekends like this are one of the reasons. To all the addicts that read this, stay strong, at least one day this weekend, you can look at all those pretenders drinking their Zimas and  wine coolers and laugh, and give them that look, the one you always get from them. Then go home, knowing that you won another day.

Wow, there have been four Bear preseason games and I can say that I have not been the least bit impressed with any of them. Granted, as all the players and coaches like to say on national TV, that the playbook is very small and they don’t gameplan for these games, the overall talent level looks pretty poor. I can’t believe that 2 years ago the Bears were playing the Colts in the Super Bowl. During the game, the channel had a little visual about the significance of the Bears and Colts playing their first games against one another. Sorry everyone, Peyton Manning is going to light them up. Short of Devin Hester having some Godlike game returning the ball, and Indy is arrogant enough to kick to him, I see that game being a 21 point blowout by halftime. The famous Bears defense looks slow and well, old. I would love to see them win again,  but if the preseaon is any indication, it will be a long, hard to watch 16 games. I hope I’m wrong, but Lovie isn’t gonna be finding much love this year.

 I got to see Dark Knight finally today and I have to say that I was blown away. It was amazing to see Heath Ledger as the Joker. I must say that my opinion of him was a little, well, messed up, after Brokeback Mountain, but he was amazing as the Clown Prince. Yes, I’m not a fan of Brokeback Mountain, never saw it, never will, if that makes me a bad person, then well, so be it. It’s a shame that Heath is dead now from drugs. I have a feeling no one will ever really know what truly happened to him, but it made me think as a recovering alchoholic. How many times did I go on a bender that pushed the limits of my mortality?? Way too many. Listening to people in AA, it seems that is the secret wish of all addicts, no matter your drug of choice. We all wanted to die at one point. We all hate who we are when we use, but that is the monster that takes over. Plenty of times, I took one more drink than I knew I could handle, secretly hoping my heart would stop, and the pain would end. There is a good quote from a favorite movie of mine, Blade. “Sooner or later, the thirst always wins.” That seems to be the motto in an addicts head. And as much as we hate it, it always comes back to that. I loved being told by someone at work that he had never dealt with an alchoholic before. Yeah, right, he never dealt with one that got help or admitted they were. Many people have some kind of addiction, smoking, drugs, sleep, sex, work, exercise, money, but why are the people that finally man up and say that they need and/or get help, are looked at like we carry the plague.  I’ve seen it too many times. It’s a struggle I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s 100% a personal and internal struggle, yet everyone around you takes it personally. It’s a fact of addiction. Anyone that has been there knows it. I wish I could pull my thoughts out of my head for everyone to see.  When I drank, it wasn’t to hurt anyone but myself. All addicts are self destructive. Being a recovering addict means that I had to make a choice, I chose life, and although the past 8 years I didn’t always think that way, I’ve been to Hell and climbed back into the light, and I have no plans of grabbing a shovel and going back. Satan had his chance to take me, he missed, it’s time for me to kick his ass now for a while. ML 

It was announced the other day that on the next Elite XC fighting card that Kevin (Kimbo Slice) Ferguson, will be fighting Ken Shamrock on October 4th. Being a huge MMA fan, I find myself for the first time not really knowing who to root for. Kimbo, is trying to get legitimacy, as he is a newcomer to the sport, but Shamrock is trying to prove that he isn’t at the end of the line in his career. I have never been a real huge fan of Ken as he always seems to be starting fights that he can’t finish. Talking tons of trash to competators that end up soundly beating him. But any true fan of the sport can remember the young Shamrock getting awesome wins in Japan and some in the UFC. I guess I would like to see Kimbo win a hard fought match, enough to prove that Shamrock has heart, but Kimbo is legit. People love to bash Kimbo, saying he is a circus attraction. I don’t think so, he works hard, trains with a legend (Bas Rutten), and has a deep respect for the sport. I try not to remember that he hangs around with a pretty shady entourage and sports a logo for a porno site on his shirt after fights, but that is besides the point.  I hope it is a good fight, and expect a recap after it is over on my blog here. If I am really lucky, I can get some video too.

 As for today, my day off, I had a full day. I attempted to write an article for this site about being a pro boxer and the steps one has to take. My title for my blog is an insight to what is going on in my life as a recovering alchoholic. Continuing care this morning, and a session with my psychologist later. It’s a grind, a fight, but one, I realized that I can never give up, not for a minute. I will say that I miss the White Sox games that I used to go to a few years ago, having a few beers and cheering for a win. As I am still a rabid Sox fan, I still cheer for the team, but every time I watch a game, it reminds me what I used to be. People like Kimbo and Shamrock, feel the need to prove to the world that they have it, that they are tough, I spend every day having to prove to myself, as well as others, that I’m normal. I will have lots to write about this subject as time goes on, but for now, I wanted to give a little insight to a typical thought process for me. Every day I stay in control is a won battle, in a war that will never end.ML

I feel compelled to write about a couple things that struck me recently. The other day, a coworker of mine took the day off so she could pick up her brother-in-law from the All-State Arena. Her brother-in-law is a United States Marine that was stationed in Iraq for over a year. I have had many friends come back from the war in Iraq and some of these brave soldiers have seen and done things that we civilians could never fathom. While there isn’t a lack of support for our troops overseas, I think of all the news around sporting events that steal phrases from wartime. “Football is a war!!” is a favorite of mine. I played football for many years and never did I have to kill anyone, or fire a weapon. I was always nervous, about missing a tackle, or fumbling, but never about losing my life. While sports are dangerous, and occasionally people do die, I regret that arm chair quarterbacks and athletes alike, dramatize athletics in the media as some great struggle. I’m sorry, but losing a game, or getting injured, doesn’t result in your mother or spouse receiving a folded American Flag. I wish some of our heroes got the same attention Brett Farve got this past six months. All he did was have trouble deciding whether or not to retire. Whether to accept a 25 million dollar salary to sit the season out, and not a day went by that I didn’t see his face on TV or in the paper. While I am a Farve fan, I thought the constant coverage in all media outlets was pathetic, he‘s a quarterback. There was a story I heard about a soldier jumping on top of a live grenade, that killed him, to save his fellow soldiers in a tent. I think that was a much harder decision than whether to hang up the cleats. That’s a decision that deserved to be honored.

That brings me to one more little point. I heard on the radio today that some Chicago people were upset that Barrack Obama said he was White Sox fan. Some even said that would influence their decision on the election. That statement almost makes me ashamed to be part of this generation. Many men and women died for the freedom to vote, and some crazy fan is going to throw that away because of an allegiance to a baseball team. George Patton would have slapped the snot out of you people. But for those of us who appreciate our freedom, thank you soldiers, whatever branch you serve. Every American owes you a debt of gratitude for risking your life for this country. No matter what color baseball cap you wear, I thank you for fighting for the red, white, and blue.ML

While searching the web for my daily sporting news fix, I came upon an article about a 9 year old kid named Jericho Scott, from New Haven, Conn. Jericho is a pitcher, and he’s so good, that the officials want to cancel his team’s season. At 9 years old, Jericho’s fastball tops out at 40 mph and he is dominating the opposition. He is so dominant, that the last time he took the mound, the opposing team walked off the field and forfeit. What makes this story so interesting is that now it has turned into a legal battle. Yes, I said legal battle, with lawyers and possibly a judge. First of all, relax people. There is no need to bring the law into the realm of little league over Jericho’s talent. Somehow I expected to see Congress step in and an official hearing to see if little Jericho is using HGH to achieve his blinding speed. Its little league baseball, not the collective bargaining agreement for MLB.

Jericho has friends in the league, he loves baseball, and he loves to pitch. Why are we denying a kid an opportunity to nurture a talent and do what he loves? Would society rather see Jericho give up baseball and start a life a crime? To the parents who are upset because their kids are not fulfilling their broken dreams by not being able to hit a 40 mph fastball, life is not fair. As in anything in life, there are people that are more talented than others. That is a lesson kids need to learn, but also learn not to give up and walk away when they face a person with unequaled ability. The parents kids’ can still field, throw, catch, and hit, and learn the game. It’s just harder to hit the ball when Jericho takes the bump. Why make this kid an outcast because he can do something better than other nine year olds? I hope when Jericho is 18, he’s standing on the mound at U.S. Cellular field, but the reality is that at some point his talent will peak or he will get hurt and then his fondest memories of baseball was when he was young. Keep throwing the heat little man, and enjoy it while you still can. ML